Lucky Cat's Meow

Is this my new life?

2012-01-27T17:08:00.000-08:00

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson.

The day has finally arrived for me to share my sad news. My husband of 18 years has moved out and I am living here with our 2 sons without him. I have discovered a mountain of things about myself, my little family, my friends, and how the world turns since all of the acute badness began... and I guess if I were devoting this blog to the details of how couples come undone, I would share that. But right now it's all too raw, and the where and why are sadly following what often feels like a mid-life crisis/what's wrong with the world these days script. I can say Ant had a health scare that led him to decide rather suddenly that he didn't want this life with us and didn't like who he had become, and felt he needed to team up with someone else, some other place, doing some other job. Not completely unexpected given his long standing unhappiness and depression, but certainly life changing and emotionally devastating for us all.

So this blog is actually about what happens after someone leaves you... or, like in the book, "Are you my mother?" not knowing who is supposed to be taking care of you (answer: take care of yourself) and what you are supposed to be doing when you feel completely lost (answer: ask for help, be patient, meditate - because the answers are inside you, but you don't know it yet). I've always loved this little children's book. A baby bird comes into the world and his mother is away from the nest. He hops down from the tree and goes searching for his mother. He asks all sorts of other animals, machines, even a flying airplane if they are his mother, to which they assure him they are not (but sometimes they don't answer and he just stands there feeling ignored!). He totally panics at the end and shouts for his mother (oh, I can relate to this!) and finally she arrives to take care of him (better late then never). A happy ending not without its share of turmoil!

I often feel now as if I am in the same position as that baby bird. For so long I was part of a pair and the domestic head of a solid, loving, beautiful happy nest. We tackled everything together and although there were ups and downs, I felt optimistic and secure in the world. Now, nearly everything in my life seems up in the air, and the dreams I had for a shared blissful future loving my best friend and partner, post taking care of kids, is now inhabited by me alone. For many months I asked myself, "Is this my new life? Is this what I need to be doing? Is this right for me? How long will I feel so awful and sad?" when considering many career choices, places to live, people to contact, books to read... the list goes on and on. And like that baby bird, I didn't really know if any of the questions had answers I could count on. All I knew was that day by day, things kept changing.

Throughout last year I began practicing a form of meditation called mindfulness. Without it, I would surely have suffered far more for much longer, because I would have been stuck in the past (which has already happened) endlessly rehashing all the terrible things that happened. Mindfulness is a form of getting in touch with what is happening in the present moment, without judgement, and has helped me to see that my thoughts are just that, thoughts. They come and go, and don't actually represent what is going on in the world. That has helped me when I have crazy ass thoughts that are born out of fear and rejection (and that happens quite a lot!).

Normally, I would share a top 10 list of things I have learned having gone through losing the love of my life. Maybe next blog I'll feel like doing that, but this time I want to share 2 beautiful poems for anyone reading this post who has an interest in journeys of self discovery.

There is no need to run outside
For better seeing;
Nor to peer from a window. Rather abide
At the center of your being;
For the more you leave it, the less you learn.
Search your heart and see
If she is wise who takes each turn;
The way to do is to be.

Lao-tzu

I went to the Bank yesterday to open a credit card in my own name. Time to establish my own credit, time to live independently. I made the appointment with a woman named Atoosa. I had met with her before, and greatly admired her professional skill and lovely interpersonal manner. She is a beautiful 35 year old woman, and projects confidence and success. I told her about my new situation, and she told me she understood, because she also had been divorced just two years ago. I couldn't believe any man would leave such an amazing person under any circumstances! Her story was shocking and awful and I could see she was still so hurt by all that had happened to her. We opened our hearts to each other for the next hour and realized only when they started to turn out the lights that we had been talking and crying and sharing our stories like old friends who wanted to assure the other that things would be all right. It was an hour of shared humanity I will not forget.

I am absolutely sure my exchange with Atoosa happened because we both were open to the world and all the things it has to give. Encounters like that, and seeing great beauty in so many situations has been happening to me nearly every day. I think we both are taking "The Journey" as described by Mary Oliver. You don't need to lose your best friend to wake up and live your life noticing what is actually happening in this moment. Now is all we ever have available to us. To stride forward and live this one precious life.

It's early days for me post break up. I know the grief will last proportional to the love I lost... and that means it will last a very long time. I loved Ant with all my heart and we share two beautiful sons. That's not something you move past without great courage and humility. But at least now I do know the answer to the question, "Is this my new life?".

Yes, it sure as hell is.

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations-
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn,
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do-
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Many Oliver

so i touch the sun

2012-01-08T08:54:00.000-08:00

Dream a Little Dream of Me

2011-10-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me
While I’m alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I’m longin’ to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Louis Armstrong

The Ripple Effect

2011-10-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to Livia Walsh, Jon Kabat-Zin, and Caroline Bone. All three have contributed greatly to the story I am about to write, and I will always be filled with gratitude that they took the time to show me a mindful way of being in this world.

I was going to title this blog post, "Road Rage!" but that would feature the wrong half of my story... but it did begin that way. You see, I was on my way to drawing class, driving down the 805 south, listening to some "Above and Beyond" and feeling quite good. While on the exit ramp to enter the little town of North Park, a man started beeping at me from behind. I looked in my rear view mirror to see what he could want, and he started gesturing for me to move over. He wanted to pass me on the right and squeeze up the side to get past the line of cars. I wanted to accommodate his needs, but there was no room for me to move. I was clearly blocked in on all sides! As the minutes passed while we waited in the line of cars, his agitation grew and so did the horn honking. Louder, longer, more incessant. When we did finally both make it up to the traffic light, side by side, he was clearly reaching his agitation zenith! "Angry Man" was about 25 years old, and driving a beater car with that bad bubbling UV window film that makes any car kind of creepy. He had the look of wide eyed intensity, and when he continued to shout at me he was baring his gums. Ugh. Eek! Yikes! He was gesturing again, but this time for me to roll down my passenger window. I thought, "Do I ignore him? Open my window? Drive through the red light to get away?!"

I am currently studying the "stress reaction" in my meditation class, and immediately recognized both his and mine. My heart rate increased, my shoulders tensed, my jaw clenched, and my fingers gripped the wheel, bracing myself for what badness might be coming my way. Sadly, because I live in the States, I wondered if he had a gun. But then, something happened. Instead of being caught in a big black road rage balloon that this man was creating, I started to think about the situation objectively and outside of the event itself. At one point he shouted, "You got to keep moving lady. This is California!" and that struck me as both funny and absurd. And then, I relaxed. I did roll down my window a little, and I said to him with the kindness of a parent dealing with an illogical child, "We are both waiting at this light anyway. You would still have to wait even if you could squeeze past me." He shouted some more and then the light changed. And then I did something that seemed to come from an entirely different part of my brain, the hippy love child part that I didn't know was there. I said, "Be happy, man" as he pulled away, and he called out, "I AM happy!" and then I saw it. A tiny little smile was forming at his lips. I popped his rage balloon, and all his anger was floating away. Just maybe, he eventually thought to himself, "Why did I act that way? Why was I so angry and unkind?"...

I drove off to my drawing class and told my classmate this little story and the teacher overheard my tale. He began the class by saying, "Christy has had a tough experience on the way to class, and in honor of her encounter, let's all stand up and do some stretches to loosen up." The class rose in excitement and enjoyed bobbing their heads from side to side and windmilling their arms this way and that. One girl said she had a tense day and loved the opportunity to get relaxed. Another student actually let out a little moan (!) as he finally let go of his shoulder tension. heh heh. Then we got to "scribble" in big, loose motions to let our fingers and hands free of the work they do for us day in and day out. It was fun and freeing and good, and all the students were smiling and looking over at me for being part of a new and positive experience. All because Angry Man wanted impatiently to be somewhere else, and because I made the choice to respond instead of defensively or angrily react. That is so freakin cool and makes me feel like Wonderwoman (remember her? with the wrist bands and high-waisted underpants!). hahahahaha

In his book, "Coming to our Senses", Kabat-Zin says we can heal ourselves and the world through mindfulness. He writes nearly 200 pages on healing the body politic (which I recommend to anyone who gives a damn about what's going on in the world)! I have to admit, when I first began reading the book, I was skeptical. How could I make a change to the world? I'm only one small person and there is so much that is wrong, corrupt, evil, unbalanced, diseased. But then I started paying attention to what is really happening around me, and discovered there are opportunities every day to get things right and make a difference. What if everyone was noticing what was really going on? What if that man who was shouting at me noticed the look in my face, and the hurt and fear he was creating? What if he stopped to get in touch with his body and mind and was making choices about his actions and motivations based on that? What then?

Last Thursday, at 6 pm, I "touched the water's surface", and the ripples went out to 13 people in my class and made their lives better. I didn't start out with that plan. But I was a full participant. Now I am writing this blog entry and hoping that ripple expands to include many more. You, for instance. Who took this moment to read my thoughts and feel something new because of it. Spread the word. Be in this moment. XOX

Coloring Outside the Lines

2011-09-01T08:02:00.000-07:00

In these last few tearful months, [while my husband and I try to find our way through a dense forest of personal challenges] perhaps the best advice I have been given is that I should, "Work on myself". When I was first offered this suggestion, I immediately rejected it. Feeling so low, I wondered how I could possibly engage in the usual self-help magazine headline activities that always include getting fit, losing weight, starting your own business, and volunteering to make a significant difference in the world. Did I forget the home makeover to improve your personal living space, reading worthy book club books that are depressing as hell, cultivating aha moments, organizing everything better, achieving perfectly arched eyebrows, and creating impossibly perfect iced cakes? No thanks to that! But maybe... there was a way.

My friend "Rescue Mama" Tam and I were having lunch one day and I said, "I'm thinking about taking an art class." She replied, "You mean like last time you mentioned it, and the time before that, and pretty much what you've been meaning to do for the 10 years I've know you? Take the fucking class already!". And then we both laughed because she was right and I was stalling. But why hadn't I taken that damn art class all those years? Sure, I was busy raising the boys, but it was something else too.

What is it about getting older that creates this inertia, preventing you from doing the things you know you like? Why would anyone ever resist giving themselves happiness? It doesn't make sense, but I compare it to getting into a cold swimming pool. When you were 10 years old, you just jumped in. Sure it was cold, but you got over it and then the fun could begin. The older you get, the longer it takes before you wet the area above the waist. Before you know it, you're swimming with your head out of the water. After that, you watch from the sidelines wrapped in a towel. Ugh! But you know what? It doesn't have to be that way. The limitations are mostly in your head, so changing your attitude opens the doors to opportunity (and dare I say it... working on "yourself").

Now if you happen to be a woman above the age of, say, 12, you'll have to get past the road block of this little gem that somehow is taught to you without perhaps ever being spoken. "Doing things for yourself is selfish." That really is a subject that deserves a whole blog post in itself. Let's just say for now, if you don't do it for yourself, there isn't a line of people around the block who want to do it for you. Here is a very short top 10 list of non-selfish gestures to keep you going [because I adore a top 10, and this list is going on my bathroom mirror]:
1. pedicures/haircuts/random spa treatments are not selfish or that expensive. They are necessary grooming and make you feel pretty and cared for. How can you give and give without replenishing yourself? The answer is - - wait for it - - you can't.
2. taking time to read is as important as eating. No one should go through life starved for storytelling and fantasy escapes. Plus, if you are a reader, you probably aren't boring to talk to. That counts for more than a perfect waistline or enormous tits.
3. a long hot bath or shower is worth every penny your water bill will increase. The world can wait for you to step out a renewed person having had a 30 minute hot/sensual hug
4. fashion/fabric/accessories are the most personal form of art. When you wear something you love, you feel magnificent
5. fine food and drink doesn't have to be expensive, but i prefer it to be created by someone other than me, and shared with someone i love. The fresher the better. That stuff you are putting into your body kind of matters. Quality in, quality out...
6. call your friends and family, stay connected. yup. Those chores just keep piling up. But how long are you on this planet and when was the last time you told someone important what's happening in your life? Also, if you are lucky enough to have a person to have sex with, jump in. That level of connected simply can't be topped.
7. take a class. Of course you don't have the time and it is expensive. Do it anyway. It is the antidote to that swimming pool syndrome... Trust me on this one.
8. move your body, rest your mind. Both restore. The biological machine your brain hangs out in will happily rebel if neglected. Right around 40 years old you discover why they say that annoying phrase about an ounce of prevention
9. listen to music and do nothing else. Pay attention as if your life depended on it.
10. make stuff. My number one suggestion for an indulgence that can transform your life. And when I say stuff, I mean real, tangible, hold it in your hand stuff. Not on a screen stuff. Your hands love to create! Get out the crayons/fabric/ingredients/tools... No one is watching or evaluating your craft but you. Have at it.

So back to that art class. I enrolled in a one day print making class at our local art academy here in San Diego, and had an absolute blast. I loved the smell of the paint, wearing a smock and getting my hands dirty, the wonderful artists that were there creating prints alongside me, and the surprise and beauty of the prints as they came rolling out of the press. For 5 glorious hours, I didn't think about anything but color, shapes, textures, and landscapes. And it was a very good thing.

I have since then signed up for a drawing class, and another print making class. I decided to dive into this scene because something inside of me was let out of the cage when I walked into that art studio. It felt like I was encouraged to finally color outside the lines and reawaken the girl I have been storing on the shelf for so very long. The girl who jumps in the water, laughs all the time, asks lots of questions, and loves with abandon. Is that working on myself? Probably more accurately, it is rediscovering myself.

I've missed her.

Waking Up

2011-07-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

I've started and stopped this post three times. You know how when something is very important and very exciting to you, you get all energetic and agitated about it, and end up flubbing what you say when you try to describe it?? That's me, right now.

I could put it down to not posting for 15 months (gasp!), but it really is because something BIG has happened to me, and I want to honor it with beautiful and compelling prose. That's a tall order, but I'm giving it my best shot. Hey, this is a blog. Not an English Lit paper for school... so here I go. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

This year, our family has been in a state of flux. Everyone senses that things are going to change in a big way because, well, they have to. Best way to think of it is by envisioning the boy teen in "An American Werewolf in London" when he changes from a person to a wolf (without the puffy coats). Ant's fed up and burned out (but still has to have a job but really wants to take a very long break from it all), Declan is ready to be an independent man (but still has a year of high school to go and has to sort out the college thing), I'm spinning on my personal lazy susan wondering what I should be "doing" (yes, still!) and feeling like I have to apply more and more glue to hold things together, and Jack... if you know Jack, you know his greatest challenge is to try and care about all the trivial stuff that seems to matter to other people but doesn't matter to him. That can, at times, be exasperating.

I have never been great with big changes, and was feeling pretty overwhelmed with this unwelcome mid-life stuff that hit me from behind (the 50+ years are not well documented in our cultural collective!). That's when I asked for help (because completely losing it and throwing framed artwork only feels good for precisely as long as it takes to throw it). My dearest of dear friends, Tam, introduced me to a wise woman named Livia, who suggested I take a look at the book, "Wherever you go, there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. From the publisher's review, "This book maps out both the rationale and a simple path for cultivating mindfulness one's own way in one's own life. It speaks both to those coming to meditation for the first time and to longtime practitioners, and to anyone who cares deeply about experiencing life - and consciousness itself - to the fullest.

At this moment in my life, when every person I love most dearly is undergoing great challenges, growth and change, I decided to dive into the study and practice of "mindfulness" so that I could experience my life in a new and more authentic way. The results have been nothing less than amazing (and I really mean amazing, even though this word is chronically misused!).

From the author: "... we usually fall, quite unawares, into assuming that what we are thinking - the ideas and opinions that we harbor at any given time - are "the truth" about what is "out there" in the world and "in here" in our minds. Most of the time, that just isn't so." "Meditation is simply about being yourself and knowing something about who that is. It is the process by which we go about deepening our attention and awareness, refining them, and putting them to greater practical use in our lives."

And so, I have been reading and listening, and sensing, and practicing a new kind of awareness for two months now. And boy, does the world seem like a very different place. As Henry David Thoreau writes in his book, "Walden", "Only that day dawns to which we are awake." When you give yourself the precious gift of stillness - and sideline the loud voices in your head that are constantly judging, wanting, fearing, pushing... some wonderful things happen. I am only a beginner at this all, but already I have seen a world that before I did not know existed.

This is the part of the blog that I am afraid seems less tangible and therefore less believable. While my life circumstances are not much different than three months ago, each day, moment by moment, it feels like it is. I tried to think of an image that could express this happy feeling, and settled for half eaten See's Candies. hahahahaha. Hey, why not? There are brief times when I see the world like a beautiful technicolor dream, and the full wonder of this life play across my mind. And in those moments, I am fully awake and part of this world - - mind, body and soul. (tiny bit shy about writing this, as it is highly unusual for anyone to write such intensely personal truths, but I did promise "compelling").

So, how do I end this post? I guess by saying that this is my slice of life right now, and for a change, I think I have discovered something profound that you might like to take a look at. Maybe not. Up to you. I have no idea what's going to happen to my little nuclear family... and care very deeply that everyone ends up in a good place. One thing for sure. I'll be awake for the ride. xox

One wild and precious life

2010-04-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

"I blog, therefore I am." Christy Miller

I am sitting at my computer, in the corner of our foyer, on a very quiet Tuesday morning (about to be afternoon). I am completely free to do whatever I want today. So far, I've typed a poem for Jack, made three beds, two pots of coffee, picked up dirty clothes off the floor, prepared a hot breakfast for the boys, cleaned up that breakfast, put away last night's dishes, watched thirty minutes of tv (adam lambert unplugged), and taken a walk with my friend Jen. Oh yes, I also checked facebook twice, and surfed my favorite bookmarked sites for around thirty minutes. All this has kept me occupied for exactly four and a half hours. Now, what to do next?

Being self employed/an "at home Mom" (a moniker that still makes me laugh, cause I want to be an "out and about Mom"), is a very different experience to working at an office. When I transitioned from a corporate job to staying at home with the kids, I brought along with me some tried and true methods of managing my time + a "gotta be busy and productive" monkey on my back. Or at least I thought so.

I have a daily paper agenda that marks off my day in fifteen minute increments. I prefer the paper to using the computer, because I still enjoy putting pen to paper. The problem is, my daily life rarely fits into managed chunks of time, no matter how hard I try. I've finally figured out this is because I am both the boss and the employee while at home - and the one ruling my day is usually the one who feels this is a good time to procrastinate or engage in some displacement activity or question the whole importance of any given activity on any given day. (In a "real job" that wouldn't happen. Although in a "real job" you get paid, reviewed, and attend 4 hour meetings- UGH.) The appointments and deadlines are always addressed, but that does not fill a day (or a life, for that matter).

If you visit the zoo (which I do fairly often), you will see that the higher order primates aren't especially goal oriented when given lots of time and opportunity. I never see the gorillas getting up to much more than lying about and scratching! But then again, they have staff to prepare and serve their food and clean up the enclosure...

All this is my lead up to a HUGE transition I am facing and fairly uncomfortable thinking about. Our oldest is 17 in November, and youngest is 13 in July... and my full time, all encompassing, couldn't manage much else gig as a full time Mom is nearly over. I've been doing the odd job here and there as a graphic designer, but the large percentage of my time has been spent raising two amazing young men (and playing with Ant) (and reading, and thinking, and walking and stuff).

The good news is that both boys (now young men, I suppose) are ever more strong, independent, happy, and successful in their lives and relationships. (Big pat on the back to Ant and I + the teachers and coaches along the way that helped them and taught them something worthwhile)! The four thousand times I have told them to say please and thank you has finally become habit, and the 8 thousand times I have asked if they remembered to brush their teeth has resulted in some mighty fine dentition. Setting up the homework table and enforcing structure to their studies has actually worked. While they were born with intelligence, they now regularly apply it (if you have boys, you know this is a miracle)! All of this is hugely satisfying to see. Of course, our role as parents is by no means over - - but the homework sessions after school rarely require my help or participation, and soon I won't need to give rides to places, or explain how the world works as often. The kids are surpassing me in strength and knowledge, which is as it should be. I'm OK with no longer being able to factor polynomials (in 7th grade!), and when the apple butter jar is stuck, it's not me who is opening the lid.

So it's all good, right? Wrong. Cause that's been my full time job since 1993, and it's incredibly hard to give that up gracefully. I know how to do that job. I'm good at it. And it has been a huge source of joy and an enormous challenge for a lot of years! SO, what's next? Who will I become for this next phase of my life (Christy, version probably 6.0 at this point)? What will I get up to that is meaningful, and fun, and possible, with this body and this mind?

I've been mulling this over with a few trusted confidants (Ant and Tam) and still don't have the answer. They have made some very astute observations on the subject, which has helped me along (well, the truth is, they are a life line!). Let's face it, we go through these transitions many times through life. New schools, first job, getting married, having kids - and there are gigantic industries dedicated to feeding our insecurities and providing "help" while you gain experience, making mistakes and right moves along the way.

I don't mean for this blog entry to be a whine. But my whole life, I've always had this discomfort over the question, "What should I be doing with my life right now?". I think many of us struggle with this when we are not busy, busy, busy doing the everyday shit that owning stuff and being responsible to others requires. I'm not complaining about my incredibly lucky situation, where I can make choices about what I get up to. Instead, perhaps it is because I am thinking about it more philosophically that my thoughts go round and round...

I'll finish this post with a poem. It's one of my favorites, and speaks to the wonder of the world and our funny place, tiny place, living there. What will I do with this one wild and precious life of mine. Stay tuned...

The Summer Day by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Beware the Bogeyman

2010-03-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

Last week a high school girl living in our community went missing. In the 5 days since she has been gone, we have had two big rains (dna washed away), and no word of her location. When the news broke, Facebook groups were hastily created, flyers were printed and posted with her image, fellow students went door to door asking for information, emails were exchanged, and 5000 volunteers searched the park where she went missing. The local news has headlined this story ever since. The police have taken a young sex offender into custody, and hope he can lead them to her, but each day that passes, the chances drop.

I wish I didn't know anything about Chelsea King (photo). Her name or her height, that she got straight A's, or that she was a long distance runner. I wish I never saw a picture of her anguished parents begging for her to be found. I wish she was some unknown attractive, nice teenager, living out her senior year like thousands of other girls just like her. Just like our own son. But it's too late for that.

While television drama loves nothing more than a missing child to spin a plot, I know the real thing is anything but exciting. Yesterday, Declan asked me if it was wrong that he just wanted her body to be found, because he hates the not knowing, and knew in his heart she was gone. Also, he wondered how the fate of this girl could capture the imagination of the local public and dominance in the papers, while there is so much more going on in the world. Haiti, Chile, Afghanistan, Iraq, the poor, the homeless... such a long, tragic, important list. I understood why he felt this way, and this was my response.

"We feel pain when the things that are happening around us speak to us personally. The community is filled with parents who love and protect their children. When someone else loses their child, parents react with both intense fear and heartfelt empathy. Every day you have to live with the possibility that your child could die in a car, or from an illness, but to know your child was a victim of a violent death? That is your worst possible fear answered." And then I looked at him long and hard. And thanked God he was all right.

Over the weekend, the search crew found Chelsea's underwear with the dna of a local sex offender on the cloth. As recently as an hour ago, they found "a body" in the lake where she was reported to be jogging. Where do you go with the sadness, the anger, the worry? This young runner was in the wrong place at the wrong time, without anyone to protect her and she was too small, too young to protect herself. Awful things happen every day, every hour, and this awful thing is about to march into our house and tell us all that it's real, with undeniable proof.

I went for a walk in the local canyon this morning with my friend Jen. It was completely empty. No joggers, no walkers, no bicyclists. Just us. Everyone was staying away because the bogeyman came and took one of our own. I know in time, little by little, people will return. But for a while, we will all be looking out for his return, and will caution our kids to beware. If only that were enough. If only lecturing your children could keep bad things from happening.

New Network

2010-01-14T13:09:00.000-08:00

It's a new year, and a new decade. I haven't posted since September and it's high time I write to you!

It's not that I've been keeping to myself, mind you. Nearly every day I've posted interesting art and design finds to my share lists via email. I have an active facebook presence, and daily, post multiple little facts about my life and times to the 50+ community I call my own. Also, parties and the boy's school functions have been keeping me out and about with my dearest of local friends and family. All that, and my primary role of partner and mother... Whew, superwoman, I know! Amazing that I still have time for my pedicures! ;-)

Anyway, I'm here, now, and that's what counts. Right? And this year, I plan to "network" differently (seeing that it is a new decade, and all). I want to centralize the location of my active design work, my portfolio, shared photos, blogging and email art and design postings into one place. This means creating a website that can contain everything that is, "Christy's Milieu". I know, scary, right? hahahaha It's that I don't want to always feel like someone is being left out, wonder if the information is repetitive, or worry that my posts are being interpreted as spam-o. Instead of "push" I want to "pull". Does that make sense? Did that sound perverted?! What I mean to say is, in future, you can come to my site and take a look when you have the time and interest to do so. There, you will find cool stuff that will feed your soul. Wouldn't that be nice?

Anyone who knows me well, knows creating my own site has been the project "that will not be named" (or successfully tackled, up until now). But the times, they are a-changing. I am planning to ramp up my freelance work and hope to get more writing responsibilities. (It's time! Declan is soon to drive, and Jack will be 13 in the summer!) But who is going to hire me without PROOF that I am up to the job, or knowledge of who and what I am as a designer? Exactly.

So what inspired me to move my matronly ass and (finally) put one foot in front of the other? This time, it was our son Declan, a girl in England on a TV show, and a hot ride under a very large brightly colored balloon.

Declan recently created a multimedia movie for his Humanities class that was brilliant. He used imovie, and with next to no help, managed to pound out 6 minutes of persuasive, thought provoking and entertaining video that left me damn proud, I can tell ya. And how did he do it? By beginning without knowing how it would all turn out. He didn't over think it or make excuses about not having something before beginning. He jumped in and began to create - - no fear, only ideas. With no training or lesson plans, he simply had the desire to tell a story. Wow. Hmmmm.

Coincidentally, I saw a show called "Kitchen Nightmares" with Gordon Ramsay the same week. The UK show highlights the famous chef visiting a restaurant in trouble, and trying to save them from collapse. On this particular show, the middle aged male owner was a disaster. Gordon kicked him out of the kitchen and invited his 18 year old step daughter to run the kitchen without having any cooking experience. Why, you ask? Because he saw in her, "a hunger to learn, a good attitude, quick learning ability, and a complete lack of fear to jump right in." Amazingly, she did very well and saved the place from ruin. Hmmmm.

Trying new things does not come easily to me, but over the Christmas holidays, I did just that. Our little family of four went to Palm Springs, and we tried hot air ballooning. On paper, I am afraid of tight spaces and heights. But a little voice in my head said, "Why not, just give it a try!" and it was fantastic! Smooth, peaceful, beautiful, exhilarating, adventurous, risky, satisfying. I'm so glad I did this in my lifetime! And it was the third experience in a week that proved, often, you have to jump right in and have a go. No delays. Get busy and do it!

I'll be posting my progress on the website as it develops. Rome wasn't built in a day... When the time comes, Lucky Cat's Meow will merge with my larger design hub. Until then, this project will be named and tackled, with me putting one foot in front of the other :-)

Happy 2010.

The Light

2009-09-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

There is light.

Inside each of us,

the source flickers.

Others confuse me,

tangle my thoughts.

What about us?

What about me?

Escaping the grid.

I find my way,

back to the love.

All connected,

we shine.

Joining together,

we can find peace.

In honor of the UN's International Day of Peace:
Photos by Mona Hatoum A performance- and installation artist born in Beirut, Lebanon. Poem by me.

Cheapie cookies

2009-09-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

Ant came up to me in the kitchen and asked, "What are those?" to which I replied, "Oh. Those. They are cheapie cookies." "Cheapie cookies?" he said, with an air of trepidation. "What are cheapie cookies?!" For Ant, and for you, my cherished blog readers... here is an explanation.

Cheapie cookies are soft, white, doughy supermarket bakery cookies that are iced with extremely sweet frosting, and topped with carnival colored sugar sprinkles. They are no ordinary cookie. They are consumed under very certain circumstances (and usually only one at a time, as the sweetness dictates). Here it is, my top 10 reasons to resort to this most cherished of treats.

1. When you are feeling like you are having a "country western" kind of heart break day, the bleached, cheap goodness comforts that achy breaky heart. Sliced apple, cheese sticks, a handful of nuts and rice cakes do not work when that sad song keeps playing in your head. Trust me.
2. Missing the joy of weddings because at your age, you aren't getting invited to them? This cookie tastes exactly like wedding cake. Just hum the wedding march as you take a bite... and you're transported!
3. Too old to get a proper birthday with all the trimmings? Every day can be your special day! The cookie is soft enough to hold a candle or two, if you want to go all the way - - and why not?
4. Your children will understand the allure of very cheap sugar. This opens up the opportunity to bond over an indulgence you know is a memory in the making. "Oooh, Mom, better not tell anyone you bought these!" and "Do you remember those super sweet cookies Mom used to buy? Crazy, right?"
5. Hormone fluctuations gone wild. The older you get, the more difficult it is to manage the energy levels. In a pinch, a cheapie cookie will boost your sugar levels for that thirty minutes you really need to perform. Just plan for a pretty big drop after the power boost... It is, after all, only a baked good.
6. Cultural class experiment. We were just invited to a parent social, and asked to bring something to share. You learn a lot about your friends when they are willing to dive into a trashy treat with both hands. Those who snub the little festive cookie probably think it's too white trash! Worse, they might even be overheard saying, "It's just not worth the calories." Are these the kind of folk you want as friends?
7. 4:30 pm. I don't know about you, but this is my least favorite time of the day. Getting fed up with chores by then, facing down the "what's for dinner challenge", being asked to help with homework I don't understand, and quite honestly, needing to break a few rules. Ladies, you have a number of options here... but remember the consequences!
8. Lonely milk. There is nothing more sad than a glass of milk all by itself. After a cheapie cookie, you will want to rinse those teeth so badly that the milk will taste three times as good. I know. Synergy, eh?
9. Beat the blands! Red, pink, blue, purple, yellow, white! What other food offers a rainbow of colors to delight the eye while satisfying the taste buds?
10. Save money. During these difficult times, cheap thrills really count for something. At an amazingly cheap .39 a cookie, it's no wonder these little gems are appropriately named "cheapie cookie". Never mind the ingredients list that includes (not kidding) 43 ingredients (OK, this is worrying) - it is still a miracle that our supermarket provides something that gives so much, for so little.

Make That Change

2009-08-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

This summer I have been unable to concentrate - and writing takes concentration (so apologies for dropping the blogger ball). On many days, a facebook status update has been about all I can manage. If you know me, you know this is a rarity. I am a talker and writer by nature! So today, I decided to post a book recommendation instead of telling a story. Short, sweet, and no less interesting than the usual stuff I blather on about... and an attempt to break the blogger silence and get my distracted ass in gear.

"The Four-Day Win" is ostensibly a "diet book", but for me, has been SO much more. It is written by one of my favorite smart gal resources, Martha Beck. In it, the reader is offered an amazing journey, discovering the origins of why we lose our way and do self destructive things (eating being just one of many wayward options). Additionally, with science-based exercises and behavioral strategies, the reader is given the means to get their shit back together and make lasting change. Reread that last sentence. For this reason alone, you should check out this book!

The four day part of the book is all about trying new things for 4 days. That's long enough to see if it works (for you), and develop a new habit. For instance, in the book, Martha explores the right/left brain play (when you are deciding what to do with your day/life one side or the other is usually bossy) and asks you to pose written questions on paper with your right hand, then answer them by writing with your left hand. Weird, right? But you will be AMAZED with the results! I would not have believed it unless I tried it myself. The two hands "say" different things, and this is truly a path to hear two sides of your psyche.

The exercises in the book have heightened my awareness of many things in my life, and allowed me to make real, lasting positive change. The writing style is empathetic, funny and rich with insights. While the focus of the book is helping people to lose weight, you could easily substitute any vice as the bad habit (habitual crutch) you want to change. Knowing, wanting, and doing. Yes, this is always the challenge, isn't it?

Somewhere along the way many of us have forgotten the brain-body connection. One of my favorite quotes in the book (and I paraphrase because I can't be bothered to find the actual quote in this rather big book): "It is impossible to have a thought in your head and not create a physical manifestation in your body." Like, whoa. Helps explain the headaches...

One thing I know for sure. These are tough times, and somehow everyone needs a way to fortify themselves to make it through the day (From me to you, try to give and get as many hugs and kisses as possible. Touch is a powerful thing.). I think the wisdoms in this book teach you to get what you need without ingesting or spewing toxic matter. And that's a good thing.

Happy reading.

Five Dollar Croutons

2009-07-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I'm walking down the aisle at our local Albertson's market, when I spot a cellophane bag no taller than my hand, filled with "artisan gourmet garlic herb croutons". I thought to myself, "I bet they're good, and would cheer up the salad I have planned for tonight. With that, and the pine nuts and balsamic vinaigrette it might be pretty nice (because eating salad for the millionth time does not always fill me with joy)." I picked up the lovely packaging and glanced down at the price tag, which announced the appx. 20 mini-chunks of bread would cost me five dollars. What?! Is there a mistake here? Five dollars to have someone else let some bread go stale, spray it with a bit of garlic oil and dried herbs and stuff it in this (not to be ignored) lovely bag? Immediately I decided, nope, not worth THAT!

However, I did buy incredibly expensive shampoo online this month ($55 for a liter bottle), but justified that (to Ant, who asked, "Is this AmEx statement accurate, gulp.?") by saying it smells really good, makes my hair soft and full, and works out to be only a dollar per use. All this is an introduction into my highly personal top 10 things that I think are worth spending your money on. Please, please, pretty please send me your own top 10 list. I LOVE to see what other friends NEED as opposed to WANT! ;-)

Christy's Top 10 Indulgences

1. Maid service. This will be the absolute last thing I cancel if we ever become really poor. I would do without many things before facing the constant monkey on your back that is cleaning your own house. I am a procrastinator and very bad duster... My friend Tam said having a maid service is cheaper than therapy and practically saved her marriage! She's on to something (as usual)!

2. Fresh food. If you want your dinners to taste great, you need to start with fresh, high quality ingredients. This means shopping more often (lettuce that's been in the fridge for 9 days is officially no longer fresh) and resisting all the frozen and canned stuff. Not as convenient, not as cheap, but way more tasty.

3. Fine linen. You lay in your bed every night. You are caressed by the sheets and blankets every night. High thread count sheets are heavenly, and are worth their weight in gold. One more thing... about that mattress. Invest in a good one and your back will thank you! I have a long, crazy story about our adventure in mattress hunting, but that would take way too long to write here. Another blog for that one (teaser: tried one of those tempurpedic mattresses and things went south very quickly!)

4. Great smelling toiletries. A multitude of benefits come with the investment. You smell this stuff ALL day. If it is cheap or clashes, unlucky you! I'm noticing a trend here. I value things that you get a lot of mileage out of. I am, after all, a Pennsylvania Dutch kind of girl :-)

5. Glasses: Been wearing glasses since turning 20. Fun, stylish frames can make your day! Having a choice also makes the burden light. Yes, they are expensive, but what is more important than your sight? Hmmmmm? I currently have 10 pair, and love every one. My current favorites come from Mikli but I also love Beausoleil eyewear!

6. Watches. I know they are now considered "old fashioned" since everyone can see what time it is with their cell phones (if it's charged, ahem), but watches are so lovely, and I wear one every day. I started to love watches when we lived in Holland and the Swatch brand was at its peak. So precise, so colorful, so expressive, so useful. A great watch is a wonderful gift. Lately, I'm digging the home grown funkiness of Nixon watches, but seem to love them all.

7. Flowers. Very girly, I know, but a vase of cut flowers, or a bursting hanging basket on the other side of my kitchen window brightens my day every time. They are one of nature's greatest gifts, and symbolize all kinds of good things. Why not make it a regular part of your day? Some even smell great, too! Whatever you do, don't wait for someone to buy you flowers. It's likely to be because you had a fight, or someone died. Take matters into your own hands (literally) and swoop up a bunch! You're worth it.

8. A pen that works well. Ink that blots, bics that stop clicking, blue ink when you prefer black, dried up nibs... SO annoying when you reach for something that can glide, swirl, and express at the touch of your hand. I great pen is a treasure! Note: pen beat out scissors, but only just. Fiskar's scissor set is a true blessing in a busy house. They're sharp and easy to find.

9. Killer stereo and TV: Ant taught me this one. I used to "cheap out" on them both before he showed me the light (When we met, he sneered at my boom box tape player, but tried to hide his disgust. Oh the shame!). When you live in the burbs and are raising kids, you spend a fair old amount of time at home. Having a "media room" that dazzles the eyes and ears makes life a whole lot nicer. You really do get what you pay for - - so do your homework when choosing a system and save up. High def and surround sound rock da house.

10. This is my guiltiest pleasure of all! Every day I begin the morning with Peet's Italian Roast Coffee @ $13 per pound. Their website tells me that adds up to only 68 cents a cup, but there are way cheaper options out there. But - they wouldn't smell the same or taste the same, and I love my Peet's. If I am lucky enough to visit the cafe, I also get a maple nut scone to go with my latte... cause it is number 10. on my list of top indulgences... plus, I resisted getting that bag of croutons, so surely I can now justify this!

Top 10 things I think are a waste of money (and am rarely tempted to buy...)
1. Designer shoes
2. Designer purses
3. Anything at Nordstrom or Neiman Marcus (even on sale, overpriced remains overpriced!)
4. Wine
5. Fur
6. Prepared food (unless it is take-out. There I make an exception!)
7. Cars
8. Sushi
9. Cigarettes
10. Five dollar croutons

A couple pics

2009-06-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

My trip to see American Idol with Jen and Pam, Declan and Jack. May, 09. Good fun!!! Yes, we had to wait in line, but we got to hear Adam and Chris sing. That was terrific...

The douche bag effect

2009-05-23T09:48:00.001-07:00

About a year ago, I guess it was when Declan was in 8th grade, he came home knowing a new derogatory term that was a big surprise. That day Jack wouldn't share something, and Declan said, "Jack, don't be such a douche bag!" Having overheard this budding argument, I swooped in and said with great irritation, "Declan, do you even know what you just called your brother?" He replied calmly, "I believe I called him a douche bag, which he deserved." I replied with great intensity (read, shouted), "We don't say that name in this house. It is very gross and unkind! I don't ever want to hear that again!" The boys have learned to go quiet and hang their heads when I yell, and both said, "OK Mom, it won't happen again."

Because I hate even hearing "douche bag" spoken (let alone thinking of the device, ew), I felt further parental influence might be required. I then said, "Let me tell you exactly what a douche bag is..." and proceeded to delicately tell him about the icky device and how/why it is used. Although both boys squirmed at the description (surely, thinking of the visual will put them forever off using the term), it has only slightly lessened the popularity of the phrase. Admittedly, Declan uses the term when he thinks I am not hearing him, but it is a mainstay at school, and unfortunately part of the Westview High School teen vernacular.

Fast forward to last week. I was driving on the 56, when some testosterone driven ass cut me off, and nearly took us both out at high speed. Without any hesitation, with no one in my car, I shouted, "DOUCHE BAG!". Immediately, I began to laugh, because without any thought, the name had become part of my own lousy language list without me even realizing it had slipped in, unnoticed! How disappointing! What a surprise!

Yesterday, as the boys and I drove home from school, Declan was telling me about the gang of boys he hangs out with at lunch. They are a motley, skateboarding, rough edged crew with big hearts and bad grades. He tells me they are "cool" and "loyal" and "funny" and "smart", but for various reasons, are largely not that into any aspect of school. Instead of telling him to run for his life, or forbidding him to hang with these boys, I told him my little story which I will forever refer to as "the douche bag effect". Even when you don't think the outside world is influencing your attitutes and behavior, one day, you wake up, and find yourself shouting at a bad driver, calling him a slang word for vaginal irrigation!

Beware. It can happen to you too... at any age.

Heart-throb Happiness

2009-05-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

True confessions. Last week, with three fellow fan-bots, I went to the local High School here in Rancho Penasquitos to stand in a stadium (under the hot sun) to scream my head off in adoration of Adam Lambert. Adam (28) is the local boy who has made it into the top three this season on American Idol, and he came to visit his hometown (my town!) as part of the show. He is also the latest addition to my "heart-throb" list of hunkys I like to watch, listen to, or just generally think about. While I am just a little bit embarrassed to include such a youngster on my list (Clooney, move over to make room), lately, I've decided, "Why not?" Truth is, having a healthy fantasy life is not such a bad thing, especially when you spend too much time on your own and live in the faceless burbs of San Diego. Fifty is coming up fast and hard, and quite frankly, I'm just not ready! I need distraction to ease the transition...

Anyway, there we were in the stands, shaking our "PQ Soccer Moms (heart) Adam" (this was Jen's idea, not mine!) when I realized I literally felt 15 years old again. I was sounding young ("Like, when is he gonna get here. Is that him? Is that a limo! Oh my GOD! It's the limo, and it's white!") I was bouncing up and down on my toes. I was giggling at stuff that wasn't all that funny. I felt the urge to call everyone and tell them what was about to happen. I waved wildly when they drove him by in the bright red mustang. And I felt great friendship with Jen, Mel and Dolores. Because we were all into it, and we were all feeling the buzz at the same time. Celebrity! Tasty man on display! We're outside! He might be looking at me! No, he IS looking at me... Everyone that is here likes what I like! He's singing now! ("Mad World. One of my all time favorite songs! How did he know?") How totally cool!

I've said it before, but it's worth repeating. Go see live events whenever you can. There is something really special about them. You are so much more connected - - and the super bonus is you don't have to endure the interruptions and insult of horrible commercials which wreck "the flow" of the show. Also, seek out discussions about your favorite performances. I LOVE visiting Television Without Pity after watching American Idol. Great snarky commentary on the show with a writer I wish was a close friend.

Recently, I've been enjoying a blog called The Happiness Project. The author is researching every principle, tip, theory and scientific study she can find that points to how you can achieve happiness. I plan to submit an entry that goes something like this:

Collect heart throbs and visit them often. Attractive, talented entertainers of the opposite sex who set your particular heart on fire have a very special place in your happiness toolkit. For relatively little cost, you can reach for them in the form of a movie, mp3 file, magazine spread etc. and instantly feel a lift from their amazing goodness. Think of it as the poor man's visit to an art museum - only by ogling your favorite star, the lift will be more "all over"! Now that's my idea of happiness.

Who is on my top 10 list of male leads? Some old and some new. George Clooney, Paul Newman, David Cook, Adam Lambert, Sting, Daniel Craig, Brad Pitt, Ewan McGregor, Viggo Mortensen, and Jude Law. How about you?!

Getting Across the Street

2009-04-27T07:54:00.001-07:00

I have an incredibly busy week ahead of me. I am honored to be helping my sister-in-law, Elke, with her new international preschool located in LA. Together, we are creating a new identity and brand, including a logo and website, amongst other things. I tell you this, because it acts as an appropriate backdrop for today's posting. Firstly, because I am helping her out because she really needs it to "get across her street" and also, because although I have LOTS to do, I'm taking the time to blog, to maybe help you get across yours.

Lately, my friends and I have noticed an increase in bad spirit and overall negative tension from those around us (at the grocery store, bank, school, you name it). The economy continues to weaken, making fear and anxiety part of every news brief. Over the weekend at Declan's water polo tournament, I thought two of the Dad's were going to wrestle each other right there on the pool deck! Coaches were yelling, yellow cards were flying... not a pretty site, and an awful example being set for the kids. Dermatologists say stress rashes in adults are way up, and massage therapists are fully booked with clients IF they can afford their services. So what's a person to do?!

Well, Ladies Home Journal has an idea that might be worth trying. The magazine caught my eye last week with a tag line "Be a better person in 31 days" and I had to see how they proposed I do that. Women's magazines are not shy about promising you the moon if you will follow their 2 page outlined program, (preferably with expensive/endorsed products!), however this promise seemed different. What they propose intrigued me. LHJ has declared May to be the Month of Giving Back. They are promising that "you will experience the joy of generosity every single day by committing simple acts of kindness" they have posted on their calendar.

I found some of their entries a bit intrusive ("wash someone else's windshield at the gas pump", uh, I guess that would depend on the neighborhood), and some out of my range (sorry, I'm not baking cookies for Declan's bus driver), but others were right up my alley. Here are my top 10 (as you know, I love a top 10). Jot down a few new ideas of your own on your itouch, and get going. If you want to "be a better person" I guess you better think of 31 ideas, so you can achieve altruistic nirvana by month's end. Or, just make a few new charitable habits and I think you still are getting somewhere good! We are all having trouble crossing the street of life these days. Sometimes it's the little things that help us get across.

1. Thank those closest to you for being part of your life and truly amazing. LHJ suggests a "note in your husband's briefcase saying, thinking of you or you're the best"! Hee. I think Ant would appreciate something a bit more graphic, but you get my point...

2. Buy a friend their coffee or lunch. It is really appreciated. Everyone loves a freebie.

3. Send printed photos to far away family with a note to stay in touch. Old school goodness that goes a long way.

4. If you are about to get mad or cross, take a deep breath, count to 10, and calmly say what you need without anger. That person you are about to blast probably has a reason for being an ass. It might be a pretty awful reason.

5. Give the gift of music or art. Hand mixed CD's or your own photo explorations don't cost much, but they came from your heart. That means more these days than a $24 bottle of wine.

6. Clean out your closets and garage and give what you aren't using to the needy. It makes sense on so many levels.

7. Give your children and extended family the gift of your time. More valuable than stuff. Always has been, always will be.

8. Network for a friend out of a job. Use your connections to help someone get work. They are in a crisis, and really need you right now.

9. Share a compliment if you like what you see. Strangers may blush, family may deny, but a compliment always feels good and is remembered long after it's said... and costs nothing to share.

10. And if you see an old person crossing the street... give them a hand ;-)

Why I volunteer

2009-04-16T08:42:00.000-07:00

This year I taught art to elementary school kids through a program called, "Meet the Masters". A few years ago I started out volunteering only for my son's classes when they were going to the school, but found I wanted to keep teaching even when they moved up to middle school and beyond. When I tell people I am teaching these classes, most are surprised that I keep going, given that I don't have children at the school, and say "You have nothing to gain by helping out the teacher, so why keep teaching?". They couldn't be more wrong about this. I am gaining so much being able to create art with students who still love to create images and express themselves through materials, color, and form.

This year I had the pleasure of teaching 3 different classes (2 second grade and one fourth grade class). The art the students created was simply amazing! The idea behind the lessons is that the kids learn about an accomplished artist and their lives (by watching a dvd and getting instruction by their general ed teacher), pick up on one or two prominent style points realized in the great artist's work, then create their own directed art, expressing this artist's style or technique. The artwork is designed to be age appropriate, and the best part is that everyone comes out with something wonderful at the end of the lesson, and I mean everyone!

I could write volumes about the pleasure it brings me to see the joys of art come to life for the students in these classes. Even the most turned off boys who profess to "hate art" don't last long in my class. Soon I hear them sharing pastels and asking their friends what they think about their creations. In no small way, art transforms anyone who consumes or creates it.

Important political note: **In case you are not aware, the fine arts are under siege in this country, and unless you put time and money into keeping them alive, the joy and goodness they bring will fade away.

I live by the adage, "What goes around, comes around". I met a new great friend (Jen) through my volunteer work with Meet the Masters. I didn't begin volunteering expecting to find a new friend, but welcome her into my life as a very special person who understands my love of art and design like very few others. She is the director of the program, and a very talented teacher and artist. Another reason why I volunteer. Good things come to those who give back...

One of the teachers stopped by my house last night and dropped off 23 hand written thank you letters from her class. Here is a copy of one of them. Deven is a 7 year old boy who sits in the front of the class and asks lots of good questions. He like race cars, strong colors, and figuring out puzzles...

Dear Mrs. Miller,

I loved you teaching us art. You are the best art teacher ever. You rule! I can't even say how good you are because it will fill up the whole paper. You have no idea how awsome you are. Your so nice god will let you live for ever! I even remember the artists. They are Augusite Renoir, Paul Klee, Leonardo DaVinci and Faith Ringold. Thank you.

Sincerely, Devin Sharma

If this doesn't make you want to go help out at the local school, I don't know what will.

Keeping Score

2009-03-30T12:01:00.001-07:00

"Life's not fair". You would think that lesson had been learned by all of us a very long time ago. And yet, we all have been caught feeling great indignation (dare I say, self pity?) having tallied the big scoreboard in our heads, and come up too many points behind in the game of life.

The other day I read about a women who said she does most of the house work even though she also works outside the home to make most of the money. She has to be the grown up, while in many respects, he gets to be the "forever 15". She warns, if changes aren't made soon, communications are going to go nuclear. Her story was so familiar, I could have predicted the entire article's content. What friend of mine, since having children, has not passionately complained about this topic? Like her, I wish life was "fair" and there was "distributive justice concerning what is right with respect to the allocation of goods (read perks) in a society." Not just for me, but for all men and women! However, if you follow the wiki link, you will learn that allocating resources and capital (and dividing the chores, especially the unpleasant ones) is linked to some rather fuzzy philosophical science. We westerners love to use procedural justice to administer the laws of our land (think, "I'll pay the bills and you change the diapers from now on.") but I have a theory about keeping score, and what is fair in a partnership...

When you live in a house, own a bunch of stuff, and there are a few of you, there is an awful lot of work to be done to maintain these previously listed items. That's a given. Who does the work and who gets to play seems to be at the core of most family fights. OK. Here comes the big statement.

A few (or one) of you will do "more" than the others. Get over it. Stop whining. Start trying to have fun when you are done your work. You will be happier if you do. Why? Because there is something good and honorable about hard work, and there is no such thing as "fair" (you should have learned that in preschool). Let me explain.

As soon as you approach your shared life in terms of allocating work and dividing things 50/50 or "fairly", you are measuring and judging the value of someone's efforts, which doesn't really make sense. The self help books refer to this as keeping score, by the way. Also, trying to force a family member to pitch in because it is a rule you are imposing NEVER works. They should be helping because along the way, they got the message (through positive reinforcement, endless repetition, and parental example) that helping is a natural part of belonging.

I'll use Ant and I as an example. He pays the bills (10 points), loads the dishwasher (5 points), makes me laugh (500 points), stays calm when I freak out (20000 points), makes all the money (100000 points)... and so on. Let's see, I set up all our social encounters (200 points), cook (30000 points), drive the kids around (80000 points), take out the trash (3 points), deal with teenage moodiness (100 points)... Of course, I completely guessed at the points, and would not be surprised if Ant would argue his sense of humor is worth far more than my taxi services (and he would be right) - but you can see my point here (pun intended). Ha! The keeping score thing is absolutely useless! There is no big scale in the sky weighing individual efforts and energies and providing a handy score at day's end. Let's get real here. Some family members are naturally better at doing certain things than others, and some people care about how and when things are done, when others don't. It also casts a negative shadow on all "chores" as being about as pleasant as eating raw broccoli when you are having family meetings to "discuss who has to do what". Ugh. The idea of doing something as a gift or gesture of love, or as a natural extension of being part of a family unit and team player gets lost when the emphasis is, "I did it last time, it's YOUR turn!"

When I lived in Holland, I noticed something very interesting. The entire society is built on the important realization that the land is very small, and there are many people who have to get along and work together with extremely limited resources, to make things pleasant. From the youngest age, the children are taught about the collective good. Instead of crowing about the rights of the individual, they discuss the interests of the majority, and from what I could tell, family members didn't spend time keeping score.

Yesterday Jack, his friend Chetan, and I, went to play miniature golf. Jack asked me, "What are we going to do about the keeping score part of the game?" I said, "It's up to you, do you want to keep track?" He said, "I don't know. Maybe it would be more fun not to. Or maybe we should play each hole, and the winner of that hole gets to go first next time. That way there is a little celebration each hole for the one who does well." And that's what we did.

There is no "one with the most points at the end of the day" who wins. The winner is the one who is having a good time in life.

In Case of Emergency

2009-03-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

When you are past about the age of six, gifts just aren't what they used to be. Especially if you are lucky enough to have generous (wealthy) parents, by the time you are entering middle school, you pretty much have most of the toys you want. Sure, there will be bicycles, scooters, skateboards, a used car and maybe a laptop on the horizon, and the current year's fashion must haves... but on the whole, the thrill you got from a big red fire truck that has a working siren or a doll that comes with her own house can rarely be recaptured. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb here and postulate that we spend our adult lives wishing that thrill of ownership could be recaptured... and spend embarrassing amounts of money chasing the memory.

Last week I was in the Hallmark card shop getting a card for my sister-in-law. While there, I remembered they have a "Hello Kitty" display, which always makes me smile. I don't have girl children, but the appeal reaches back to a little me who wishes this kind of stuff was around when I was a girl. Absolutely love the graphics, and the sweetness of it all.

There on the shelf was a kitty purse that could not have been cuter. Only one left. I had to have it! Dare I say, I was getting that excited feeling of acquisition that comes rarely to me. If not in public, I would have giggled and jumped up and down. All over a patent leather mini-purse! Quickly I came up with a justification for its purchase. This could be my purse "emergency kit" and hold everything I needed when the going gets tough. Best of all, when I reach for it, I will be greeted with a face that is sure to turn my day around. I think everyone should have such a kit, and wonder how the contents would differ. 4 x 5 x 1 inches is a pretty small space...

What do I keep in the kit right now?

1. Origins Lipstick- no matter how bad things are going, plump, moist, warm red lips lift your appearance. This lipstick is not cheap, but it is fragrance free, lasts for hours, and does not dry into flakes that feel like glue stick by day's end.

2. Tissue pack- The entire family except me is prone to sneezing and allergic mayhem. I have rescued many a moment by being the only one with tissues. Nuff said.

3. Floss- The older you get (unfortunately) the more prone you are to need it. I laugh in the face of poppy seeds and parsley!

4. Hair band- If you have long hair, and you are trying to eat, this is a must have. Ant says we have so many of these floating around the house they must be multiplying! I say, "Clearly, you have short hair and underestimate the importance of hair bands at the ready."

5. Headache pill- What can turn a sunny day into a tornado? Headache and no Imitrex. Seldom needed, but I never leave home without one.

6. Tweezers- Small, blue, and with boys who climb, a very handy tool. Now if only I could see the damn splinters...

7. Travel wet wipe- Sometimes having a moist wipe is most helpful. Sticky fingers, bleeding knee, dirty table to name a few.

8. Tampon- We all need to carry one of these for nature's perpetual surprise.

9. Memories- Without words or electronics or vast amounts of money spent, this little purse holds the memory of being completely happy with a toy. I have chosen for it to have an important function... but the truth is, I would carry it around just for the memories.

Where is the Wonder?

2009-03-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

Jack is in 6th grade, and is 11 years old. He told me yesterday he was fed up, and wanted to stop doing his homework! This year, for the first time, he has at least 2 hours of homework every weeknight, sometimes much more... and 95% of the work is what I would call "busy work". Mind numbingly dull worksheets, response questions, and lesson reviews - all designed with the purpose of asking the student to regurgitate exactly what is in the text book. Jack is an excellent student and scores at the very top of his class, and he is absolutely sick to death of the mediocrity of school (and the bad kids in his class that don't care, and don't listen). He wakes at 6:30 am for a 7:30 bus. School is from 8 to 3:30, and he arrives home at 4. After a quick snack, it's homework time until usually 8 pm. It's no wonder Jack is ready to quit, and says, "I want a life. I want to play more with my friends!". What an awful rat race. He had to stop swimming because of the homework - just not enough time in the day.

As his primary support person (read Mom), I really struggled this time to know what to say. I didn't want to encourage him to quit trying or caring, but I could see his point. As an example of how lame school is for him, he told me they only have science lab once a month. He was really looking forward to it. They wore lab coats and gloves... and proceeded to mix water with baking soda in a vial, and watch it dissolve/not dissolve - then had to write a paper about it for over an hour. He told me this story and made a face that could only be described as extreme depression!

As he sat on the sofa, pouring his heart out with tears, I ran through the possible responses. "You only have 4 more months, then vacation... life is full of boring crap, get used to it... I do stuff I don't want to do all the time, just plow through it for the fun stuff... The higher grades are more interesting... what you do now will pay off when you are much older... not doing the homework gets you in trouble and they will make you do it eventually... look for the interesting amongst the mediocrity... I'll buy you something if you do this... Let's take a brownie break with milk, that always helps... don't do your homework and see what happens..." and on and on my mind raced. Where was the little boy who gleefully read books for hours? What happened to my happy, curious, intelligent son? The system was sucking him dry. He said to me, "Mom, don't get me wrong. I like to learn about things. It's just that you could take a whole day of school and cover the valuable part in 2 hours." Ah, the wisdom of children.

Time to get some help. When Declan came home, I told him Jack was at an all time low, and maybe he could help out. Jack and Declan have been best brother friends for a long time (this is why you have more than one child), and Declan has the advantage of being a fellow student. I stayed "busy" in the kitchen (baking those brownies), and heard Declan say this, "Hey dude. I hear you are bumming about school. Listen, just get the homework done, and if you need any help at all, let me know. Sometimes school sucks, but you just got a bit unlucky with the teachers. Next year'll be better. When you are done, we should play some WOW. (hugs Jack, gets a smile out him) Hey, is that brownies I'm smellin? I call an end piece!"

I'm not sure what motivates your child long term to stick it out and perform at school. God only knows it is a test of endurance. Conventional wisdom says we all share a basic need to minimize pain and maximize pleasure... and if that is true, I'll be thinking about more tangible rewards to keep Jack's engine running. Declan loves the social aspect of the classroom, but I suspect Jack will need to have a more intrinsic goal in mind. He will always be curious and enjoys recognition for his knowledge. Maybe that is a good place to start.

What did I learn from this? Quietly listen to your children and show them you understand. Life IS hard, but they are not alone.

I Am Here

2009-03-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

Just Relax

2009-02-24T07:34:00.000-08:00

On Valentines day, our little family of four flew out of San Diego, via Vegas (slot machines at the airport!), to Albany New York. From there, we drove south to a tiny little town near the Catskills, called Cornwall on Hudson (yes, it's really next to the Hudson River). That's where our friends Caroline and Martin live. We were happy to visit our best friends whom we've known and loved for 16 years. They commute from their mountain oasis to New York City weekdays for work, and at the end of the day, retreat to a beautiful home and property they are developing/remodeling over the next few years.

This was a most unusual winter holiday for me, because my primary wish for the week was to relax. In writing this blog, I was amused to read the description of relaxation on

wikipedia, "A process or state with the aim of recreation through leisure activities or idling and the opposite of stress or tension". The website also mentioned "disambiguation", which is a verb that means removing uncertainty of meaning... Lord knows, things in this country and in all of our lives lately have given us a healthy dose of uncertainty (oh, the stress, the stress) - and I for one have been feeling the accumulated effects of chronic gloom and doom. More grey hairs, multiplying wrinkles (especially the frown lines), dry skin, weight gain, and a bad temper to name a few (you can send your personal sympathies to Ant if you like. He deserves them)!

And so, my personal challenge for the week was not only to visit with cherished friends, and do a little skiing and hiking, but to leave the rat race behind in hopes of finding the

great nothingness that is a peaceful state of mind (if you know me, you know this is a BIG personal challenge. I was born a worrier and evaluator). I decided to have no email. No radio. No news. No clock or phone. No chores list. No chats with unhappy friends. And no family worries. Against all odds, I accomplished my goal. For one week, I was absolutely relaxed and happy, and this is what I noticed when looking through my zen-o-scope.

1. You can find your happy place much easier when you remove the triggers that tell you to worry and fret. I encourage you to turn off the outside world now and then. Listen to the quiet, and discover that the "real you" is actually pretty happy.

2. Living in a simple space that is quiet and ordered helps you feel quiet and ordered.

3. There is no substitute for clean, fresh air and the sounds of nature. It restores the mind and body.

4. When your mind is calm you can sleep long and deeply. A big, comfy bed with excellent linens is luxurious icing on the cake.

5. Neurotic behavior is habitual. It takes patience and empathy to let go of bad habits, but they do eventually melt away (snacking, interrupting, checking for new email to name a few!)

6. Time is elastic. When you are not checking the clock or your agenda, events happen more naturally.

7. Everything is more fun when you are well rested and your mind is open. As proof, I actually enjoyed washing and drying dishes while chatting with Caroline.

8. In a relaxed state of mind, you think about different things. Remove all the junk in your head, and there is finally room for other items... by invitation only.

9. Your body immediately thanks you for removing the toxic effects of stress. For me, this always translates into a happy tummy, no headaches, and deep sleep.

10. When you are relaxed, your heart feels light and free. Laughter comes more easily, loving feels profound and deep, and suddenly, you are connected to everything. Pretty cool - especially as this rarely happens without drugs ;-)

Yes, we ate out, visited a few historic parks, bowled, skied, watched films, read books, hiked about... but far and away the best part of our adventure was being with two dear friends, and enjoying every idle minute away from it all. Pure bliss.

This is a Test

2009-02-10T07:32:00.000-08:00

I have a little problem. I am not a self actualized person, and I rarely do things (like write a blog entry) for just myself. I know this limits me in a very real and profound way (and I truly am working on changing this), but for now, if I don't have some kind of audience that can give me some level of encouragement or feedback -- it just isn't happening. Week after week my little blog goes without comment, and quite frankly, it is getting me down. Yes, yes, I know. You're SO FREAKING BUSY, how can I expect you to post a comment? Well, I don't expect it, but I want it. Just a sentence telling me you were here and will come back. Otherwise, I feel like I'm talking to myself... and we all know it is a slippery slope from there to far worse things!

"Boo hoo" you're thinking. "Christy needs love and attention. Join the club." And you would be right. It's just that we writers are a sensitive bunch, and without your comments, the well will run dry.

Have I convinced you yet? If you enjoy the post and the blog, cast me a line. Let me know you are out there and enjoy visiting my little world now and then... because "No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main..."

Be a part of my main...

A Walk for Judith

2009-02-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

When someone you love loses their Mom or Dad, it's hard to know what to do for them. I recently learned that my friend and step-mother-in-law, Judith, lost her Mother. Sending a card and flowers didn't seem to do enough to send her my love and support many many miles away. On the phone she was putting up a brave front, but I knew from her voice she was very upset.

Often, we rely on traditional practices to tell us how to act when the occasion is challenging in some way - but lately, I've been relying on my "special gift", which I've learned only recently is sharing stories...

If Judith lived in San Diego, instead of England, I would go to her house, bundle her up, and escort her into the canyon by our house. She loves a long walk as much as I do. We could walk quietly, letting the motion of our bodies lend a rhythm to a difficult and sad day. She could cry and I would dry her tears while shedding my own. We could see beautiful things that would confirm spring is coming, and the flowers will return. She would see in my face that I love her and understand... But she doesn't live here, so I had to do something else.

Last week I took a walk alone, in honor of Judith. I took pictures and notes about everything that happened, and sent her a story telling her about our imaginary walk together. It was a sunny day and the blue sky followed me everywhere. I filled my mind with thoughts of Judith, and opened my eyes to the heaven on earth that surrounded me. My camera captured the greens, the browns, the blues that filled the canyon landscape - and I sent it all to her with words of love and hope. I was alone on my journey. Just me and my shadow... but in spirit, Judith was with me all the way.

I feel like I have arrived at mid-life in the fullest sense. Many transitions, many losses. My hope is that together with my friends and family, we can give comfort to each other when sorrow comes raining down. I want to look for the new buds of spring and always be able to take that walk towards the sun.

Tahini Victory

2009-01-23T16:02:00.000-08:00

Today Jack competed in his 6th grade spelling bee and won first place!! Jack beat out 450 students to become his school's best 6th grade spelling champ!

Each class of 30 students sent one representative. Initially, the contest is sudden death. If you misspell a word you are out. When the last two students remain, you have to win in the same way as a tennis game. Your opponent has to miss two, then the following 2 words must be spelled correctly by you.

In the end, it was a battle between Jack and Kevin Li. Kevin is well known to be "Mr. Smart" on campus -- he is currently taking high school classes (three years ahead of schedule) and is part of the advanced "gate" program. All bets from fellow classmates were on Kevin from the beginning, as his parents have been training him for weeks and were in the audience. Jack, the underdog, had only studied 30 minutes the night before... because he told us being too excited about a spelling bee means you are a serious nerd (he showed me a photo in the study catalog of last year's winner, and I could see his point). He said his strategy was to spell what he could, and guess the simplest letter combinations if he had to make something up. Also, he acknowledged he would be "screwed" if he was asked foreign words (especially French)! Hopefully lady luck would help him out with that... but most importantly, he said, "Winning would be cool, but it doesn't really matter all that much. I only agreed to do it because it got me out of English literacy first period."

He knocked out the third to last student being able to spell the word "bureaucracy", and gained a point with "croquette". Then the back and forth battle began. First, Kevin was in the lead, then it was even. Next Jack would be ahead, then he would miss a word. The went on for round after round. Both boys were starting to sweat under the hot auditorium lamps. You could hear a pin drop! In the end, Kevin slipped up on two challenging words giving Jack another shot. He took the trophy with what he thought was a relatively easy word. The judge said, "Jack, if you win this word, the contest is yours. She said, "Tahini" and the rest is history!

I didn't see the contest (he discouraged me from coming, and given his preparation, I figured he would be out first round), but heard about the events when he came home today. When he arrived through the garage door I said, "Jack, how did you make out today? I've been thinking about you all day! Did you get any of the words correct? Who won in the end?" He said nothing at first, but his cheeks turned a crimson red, and he smiled that little Jack smile. He led me into the front foyer, where he could reach in to his bag and pull out the trophy.

He said, "This is what happened" and began to laugh.

Sometimes staying chilled out, having a good time, and hoping for the best really does pay off. That Jack. Always full of surprises.

That's a mighty big bear

2009-01-20T14:13:00.000-08:00

Last weekend our family drove to a cabin on the edge of Big Bear Mountain, CA. We spent the weekend with my brother Phil, his wife, Elke, and their two girls, Jessica and Stephanie. This was our first time skiing as a family, and it was genuinely great fun. Jack tried snowboarding, and the rest of us rode the mountain slopes on skis. The altitude (7000 feet) didn't seem to bother anyone, and except for chapped lips, we all made it through with smiles on our faces (and no broken bones!).

If you are like me, reading about someone else's GREAT holiday is excruciatingly dull, and often leaves you feeling jealous or worse. But there is another story here, if you could just stick with me.

When we arrived, we unloaded our car full of stuff (ski wear is very puffy), and the girls immediately escorted the boys to the backyard, where Phil had created a bobsled course for the kids to go sledding and a fort for snowball fights! In a matter of two minutes, the four kids

(ages 15, 11, 7 and 5) became the best of friends, and were laughing and sledding with great excitement and cheer. The air was fresh and clear, and smelled of pine trees and burning wood. We were surrounded by pretty log cabins and quiet mountain woodlands. While the kids were at play, the grown ups concentrated on unpacking, making lunch and sorting out plans for the next few days...

When it was time for eating, I slipped on my heavy tread boots and fleece coat, shuffling out back to call the kids in for our hot meal. In response, of course they all shouted, "Be there in a minute" which meant playtime in the snow was much more important than lunch. The shouting, giggling, and joy was so infectious! I could completely understand that they wanted the fun to last just a little bit longer. Don't we all?

Declan asked me to hop on to his orange sled, and I protested. "I think I'm too big." "No you're not! Look, there is room!" "I think I'm too stiff." "No you're not! Just try it!" "What if I fall, what if we go too fast?" "I'll protect you Mom. Come on, it will be fun!" He urged me to give it a try with those big blue eyes and that irresistible smile, and when we did, we flew down the hill only to wipe out at the bottom (it only hurt a little). We laughed and he gave me a "high five" for bravery (which I think I deserved)...

I never want to forget how to have fun and enjoy the pure bliss of being outside, breathing fresh air, looking up at a blue sky, and sliding down a snowy hill. The best part of being a Mom? Your children will remind you to keep having fun. When they do, I suggest you go for it. And in case you're wondering -- my wish came true (see Jan 05 blog entry). :-)

I Wish

2009-01-05T14:10:00.001-08:00

I must admit I was not looking forward to today. The boys are back to school with long faces and complaints about homework, the alarm woke me at an outrageous 6 am, and Ant was on a plane early this morning, flying to his job in Mountain View. Our house went from being a lively beehive of playful activities and holiday bliss to a very quiet space where not much is going on beyond Christmas decorations calling to be put away, and a pile of laundry that should have been washed a few (many) days ago. Ugh. Grrrr. Blah.

January is my least favorite month of the year, with everyone talking about restarting their lives in one form or another. The magazines and daytime TV make it seem as if all this setting of new goals and tuning of engines should be a great thing. You know... today is the first day of the rest of your life kind of stuff. I really hate hearing it all, and want to slap anyone who mentions new year's resolutions, especially if they have already been successful with a work out plan or diet. Maybe its because I am "self employed", probably because I am a Mom, surely because I am a virgo -- but this time every year, I can't resist conducting a kind of informal personal performance review on myself and consider all the things I've screwed up over the last 12 months... and let me tell you, there is plenty of room for "growth opportunities"! Damn, damn, damn. They should hand out free mood altering drugs at the grocery stores instead of selling the latest issue of Oprah magazine (boo Bob Greene)!

With all this in mind, I decided there was no way to beat the gloom, so perhaps I could out pace it. I squeezed into my yoga pants, tried to pick a bra that wouldn't cut off my circulation, applied bright lipstick so one part of me wasn't pale (my one aesthetic effort that tells the world I haven't completely let myself go), and tied back my "needs a trim" hair for a walk around the neighborhood. I sat on our front step to lace up my sneakers when a lone dandelion caught my eye. No other one in sight, just this one right next to the house, casting a lovely shadow in the morning light. And then it hit me. I could make a wish and blow on the seeded dandelion, and maybe 2009 would be a great year... dare I say, better than the rest!

So I reached down to that little flower and pinched the stem, lifting its weightless body up to my mouth. I made a wish and blew the gentle fairy parachutes free of their anchor, and they took a ride on the wind, slowly drifting toward the ground. In that free and happy moment, I remembered doing the very same thing when I was a small girl, and I had everything to wish for... and you know, that wish came true. So there is hope.

Maybe January won't be half bad after all.

Quiet Moment

2008-12-17T07:07:00.000-08:00

O Tannenbaum

2008-12-09T17:48:00.000-08:00

Top 10 things I like about the Christmas holiday season.

10. Baking cookies and eating cookies with the boys (young and old!). Tradition allows for unlimited eating of cookies on Christmas day, and believe me, Declan and Jack take full advantage. Flavors? Chocolate chip, moldy mice (a nutty shortbread), thimble cookies, and at least one "new" flavor we've never tried. It would be even better if the Christmas Kitchen Fairy did the cooking and clean up sometime in the night... but a girl has to be realistic!

9. Decorating the tree (see photos!). We used to go all natural, but last year we invited my parents round for the holidays, and Janice is allergic to pine trees... SO now we have a very tall, very plastic green "fir" tree that doesn't look half bad (and it's paid for). Once the decorations are up, not a huge difference. I know, I know, "You don't get the smell!" Fair dues. But you also don't get the leaking base and falling needles... in the end, you need to just pick a side and deal with it.

8. Goodies with candied fruit in them. I am not picky on this one. Panettone bread, fruitcake, cookies, hell, I'd even eat the fruit right out of the plastic tub. I just love the stuff! I know it has a half life of approximately 50 years, but it is one of those things that means Christmas for me. I even like German Stollen bread, which many consider too dry to eat. Go figure!

7. Pennsylvania dutch egg nog, and plenty of it. Thick, creamy, alcoholic goodness with sprinkled nutmeg on top. This drink is strong. Just what you need in San Diego on a warm December night, under the palm trees, by the duraflame fire! :-)

6. Web shopping. Finding special somethings for people you love is always fun... but I would be lying if I didn't mention I also happen to find great things for myself I just must have! I now love to surf the web and don't go a day without something delighting me beyond measure. Must be living in the burbs that does this to me... This year I have found some great gifts for Ant in particular. As he is the hardest person in the world to buy for, this is a real achievement. And I quote, "There is nothing in that entire mall I would want." Ant Creed, last year. (Good grief!) Thank God for the web!

5. Ant in his flannel Ho Ho Ho pants. They come out once a year, and cheer me to no end. The whole Christmas day Ant is smiles from ear to ear and a kid again. Delightful.

4. The boys whispering and giggling out in the hallway before they come in to our bedroom to wake us up at 7 am, Christmas morning. I am always awake before they are, but dutifully act asleep and reluctant to wake. It's the cutest. Jack has to put socks on before we go downstairs or his feet will turn to ice, and Declan needs to remember his robe or he is chilly during the present opening - which we take in turns one at a time (this takes ages because we are too busy eating cookies).

3. The music! Surest way to bring on the flash backs of many years past. Nat King Cole, The New Christy Minstrels (that have been around for decades), Bing Crosby, Perry Como, Andy Williams, Mel Torme... my collection is filled with oldies but goldies! I can still hear my Mom singing her heart out to the classics, and it makes me feel all warm inside.

2. Getting Christmas cards with photos and letters. The holiday letter is a special treasure like no other! We have family and friends sprinkled all over the globe, and it is a treat to read what they have been up to in the last year and see how much the kids have grown and changed! Love, love, love these! I tape them around the fireplace and look at them every day.

1. My all time favorite part of the year is my Christmas card from Ant. The mushier the better. That man can write, and although brief, his message is always from the deepest part of his heart. And for me, Christmas is ultimately about love, hope, joy, and family.

Rock the House Down

2008-12-02T07:36:00.000-08:00

It's not often that you find an activity that delivers fun for the whole family (or at least MY whole family). Hats off to the creators of Guitar Hero and Rock Band for their fun, fun, fun video games! As the website reads, "Crank it louder and live the ultimate music game experience!"

Rock Band is the multi-million unit selling, genre-defining game platform that lets you take the stage, rise to fame, and become a Rock legend. You get to choose playing a gamer modified guitar, drums, bass or vocals and begin rocking with no musical skills necessary. As we are a family of four, it is a perfect match for all of us to get playing. There are over 500 playable songs you can download so you are loving the songs you play. Totally cool! Who doesn't want to feel what it's like to be on stage and hear the crowd roar with delight?! I forgot to mention that you also get to choose your likeness on stage. I always go for the hot brunette with killer attitude. The boys are more adventurous. Often Declan is a dreads he-man, and Jack a guy with a very large mohawk! Ha! At the end of a song, the characters on screen are doing what we are doing, high-fiving each other and celebrating a damn fine performance...

Last weekend we all took to the stage, and I had one of those proud, "magic moments" I hope I never forget. We were playing a "Killers" song, and Ant was singing (for a change), Jack and I were on guitar/bass, Declan was drumming. All four of us were head shaking and toe tapping to the same beat, and we were, in every sense of the word, teaming up for a common goal. The music was great, and looking over at "our band" was great. I found myself totally digging the lead singer (Ant!) as he rocked his hips and belted out the sad melody about love and heartache... only this time, I really would get to link up with the star after the concert.

Awesome.

A Trip to Quail Botanicals, Encinitas

2008-11-24T09:09:00.001-08:00

The Snow Globe

2008-11-17T12:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got a call from my Mom and Dad, who are in LA visiting my brother and his family. Mom told me "Aunt Diane" died. Just like that. I only heard Diane was not well barely three weeks ago, and now she is gone.

Diane was my first teacher when I was just five years old. She taught Kindergarten at Oak Park Elementary school. She and her husband John have been close family friends since 1961. She was always such a mysterious woman to me. Wealthy, stylish, clever, sexy, secretive, funny, bawdy. I didn't know her well, but my parents did. She was part of their closest circle of friends, who are tragically falling ill one by one. I wasn't prepared for the news that she had gone, and was shaken by another reminder that life is short and each day brings another set of joy and sadness.

This morning I discovered a website featuring the wonderful works of Walter Martin and Paloma Munoz. They create snow globes that are "Tiny little dramas from our everyday madness."

Today I feel like the snow globe in my heart got picked up and shaken. I'm floating above my pink stucco house, above the palm trees, up, up, up into the endless blue sky. Looking down on row upon row of track houses and cul de sacs, rising high above the 8 lane highways and little toy cars. Up so high, everything changes. My vision blurrs. I want to keep floating until I see Diane. I want to tell her she had a special place in our family's story and that she was a women I liked and admired. I float and spin, wishing I could float for a long, long time. Sadness only happens down below.

My Body is a 1997 Grand Jeep Cherokee

2008-11-10T14:06:00.000-08:00

Looks can be deceiving. Take our 1997 Grand Jeep Cherokee. From the outside, our gas guzzling, surf kit packing, 4 wheeling V8 family car is in great shape (for its age). Garage kept, low mileage, frequently cleaned, and driven with gentility (at least when I drive it, ahem). However, the last time it was serviced, it cost us three thousand dollars to "update the rubber stuff that dries out and starts dripping". Compared to a new car, we were still willing to invest in the Jeep, because it has become (and I use this term loosely) a member of the family. Sure, it has a few bad speakers (that I am sure Ant blew when he was cranking up the volume on one of our trips to LA), and one of the armrests is cracked, but on the whole, it's still a good car. Pleasant to sit in, engine that roars like a lion, and a horn that says, "Out of my f***ing way!". That said, it is now old enough that we are beginning to talk about what we will someday replace it with. Yes, it was our first big car after having our second baby, and yes, all our important trips have been taken in the Jeep... but we need to be realistic and prepare for the inevitable moment when it just isn't worth the repair bill.

Last week I was sitting in the Doctor's office waiting for him to tell me what was wrong with my left elbow. For no reason I could think of, one morning I woke up and it hurt like hell. This went on for a month, and so finally I decided to get it "evaluated". As I told the doctor, "I seem to have tennis elbow without the tennis." A year ago my right shoulder did the same thing. No obvious accident to cause it damage, just a "failed part" that began to hurt all the time. It dawned on me that my body was much like the Jeep. As much as I have tried to take care of it, one by one, its parts were packing it in. Now to look at me, I don't especially think I am aging past my years... but the internal stuff is just not what it used to be. Sadly, replacing parts is a lot more difficult with the human body.

It's the big secret few friends and family tell you about. Maybe my eye doctor did mention someday "down the road" I would probably need bifocals, but he never told me how incredibly frustrating it would be when I couldn't see a splinter when it needed to come out. I am now neither near or far sighted... Then there are the ghastly things they do to you in an effort to fix a problem. No way am I ever having cosmetic surgery or botox even if I am living in California. But I did say yes to a cortisone injection (OW) when nothing else seemed to help the shoulder. At this point, I really would trade in a few body parts if it were an easy option...

But of course, it isn't. Plus, if I can find sympathy and loyalty for the Jeep, surely I can extend some of these kindnesses toward myself. My 1960 Christy Miller body has relatively low mileage (one divorce and two childbirths being notable exceptions). My husband still seems willing to invest in me despite failing eyes, two bad joints, arthritis in the hands, crows feet, approaching grey hair, and a dodgy stomach. I suppose I'm pleasant to be with, I can still make people laugh, I'm loyal and loving, and my baked russian pie is to die for... and I was there for all the important events in our collective, shared lives (even more than our family car was!). And when I look around, these humbling changes to my body are happening to everyone in one way or another, so I'm not alone.

I'll keep using my body and our Jeep with gentility, and cross my fingers that both of us drive on. There's so much more I want to see and do. And if a part starts to rub... pass the WD 40.

President Obama

2008-11-05T07:08:00.000-08:00

A Day for Toast

2008-11-04T07:26:00.001-08:00

When the going gets tough in our household, the tough make toast. This is a photo of an impressive English toast carrier (England takes its toast very seriously!) with a much needed three choices of jam. I was most inspired by this pic, and decided to replicate the moment here at home, on election day, to calm my jittery nerves. (News radio will be playing all day in the background). This morning, I "toasted" my favorite candidate with some fantastic, slightly burned crusty french bread with butter and orange marmalade, and piping hot italian roast Peet's coffee. D-lish. I felt like the Queen eating my morning breakfast (although I dare say she would have had tea, not coffee). Now I am ready to get on with my day and VOTE!

Before I met Ant, I would only use a very thin layer of butter on my store bought, long shelf life bread with the same cheap jam every time. If I used jam, I would skip the butter entirely. Then I moved to Holland, and fell in love with a man who knew how to indulge, guilt free, with quality ingredients and attention to "the pleasure index"! To an American woman, this is just a little bit crazy. The calories! The fat! The effort! The choices! The naughtiness of it all! Then I took a bite (of his toast, ahem) and knew immediately that if you are going to eat, you should do it with pleasure and abandon. Also, it was clear to me that you get out of food what you put in to it. Ant's toast was nothing like my toast. His toast was so good, you could eat one slice and fall back into the couch feeling satisfied and gastronomically spent. My toast left you grazing for something else... and this, my dear readers, is my point.

Why have a whole lot of average and bland, when you can have something rich, colorful, textured, surprising and entirely delicious? Go ahead. Make your day! Go to the bakery and get great bread that was baked today. Then buy real butter and a few quality jams. Use a real toaster (thick slice is good) and have at it. You'll be glad you did...

Fascinated now with toast? Visit the online toaster museum to see the first electric toaster and more.

Autumn in Pennsylvania

2008-10-28T08:22:00.000-07:00

Memories of cool, crisp days shuffling along my hometown street in Pennsylvania, crunching leaves beneath my feet. My puffy coat warms my back, but is unzipped to let the breeze in. My fingers are cold, and so are my nose and ears, but I like that. After a long hot summer, it feels good. It makes me awake and more alive. Looking up into the trees, I see the sun turning the reds and yellows and oranges into dazzling tiffany lights. I smile a private smile shared between me and the majestic trees surrounding me. Someone is burning a fireplace in the distance. It smells warm and inviting. The birds are singing a message of busy urgency. They know winter is on the way and they have much to do. But for me, I'm just walking down the street wishing the moment would last and last. Wishing those beautiful leaves didn't have to fall.

Strike up the Band

2008-10-27T15:37:00.000-07:00

I have loved the marching band ever since my brother Phil played the drums for the North Penn Marching Knights back in the late 70's... so it was a thrill when I spied an advertising banner for the Tournament of Bands held last Saturday at the local High School. Ant was sick with a cold, and the boys less than interested in going, so I packed up my new camera, a bit of cash, and a warm coat for the nighttime show. Here, in no particular order, are my impressions of the event:

For this, and all large school functions, food is a big money maker and on constant display. The burger hut belted out so much smoke, it filled the arena with a big belch of beef aroma. Ugh. Between that and the guy next to me eating candied popcorn, I vowed never to eat food in public again! Oh the smell, the smell!

Themed shows are in. No longer are straight lines and crisp uniforms enough! I saw mini-theatre performances of King Arthur, Cirque du Sunrise/sunset, High tech headaches, Zig-zag (still not sure about this one) and Construction funk. What? Marching bands getting all artsy? Afraid so. The fake sword fight amidst the horn section during the King Arthur show was seriously lame -- but since when do the flag girls get respect, anyway. I wonder how they decided who would have to dress up as the king? (he he)

Bigger is better. Kind of obvious, but 26 tubas can impress while 2 struggle to be heard.

Bands require an enormous amount of effort from everyone involved. Uniforms, instruments, trucks, flags, guns, banners, batons, cases, hats, boots, carts, props, ladders... just cartloads and cartloads of stuff and people and more stuff! Without the unsung volunteer heros (band parents - see photo) the whole thing would flop. Yea parents who help out!

A strong drum beat can stir the savage in all of us. I was actually eyeing up the drum squad and thinking they were pretty hot (I know, this is kind of gross given my age and all). I think it was the fast stick work and rocking snare drums that got to me...

Sitting for more than 30 minutes on a cold cement bleacher is a crime for the over 40's. Real band supporters brought cushions, the geezers brought pop open stadium chairs... the rest of us suffered terribly. No back support is not a good thing after approximately 5 minutes!

I actually have developed "school pride" for Declan's school. When asked by the ticket master which section I wanted to sit in, I easily replied, "Westview"! For a few years, I'll be shouting, "Go Wolverines" through association. When did that happen?

My advice to all, today and always, is go see live shows of all sorts whenever you can. It always lifts the spirits and gives you something new to think about! You won't be disappointed, and your ticket will help support struggling performance groups.

Stack O' Links 8

2008-10-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

I have so many links to share, I had to really think twice about which one to list first (top of the heap indicates personal favorite). This week, Alexander Calder (known to his friends as "Sandy"!) gets my pick. The Whitney Museum is opening a new installation of his Paris Years work, and it looks wonderful! How about taking a look at single frame time exposure photos created at night? These are too cool! Visit Viki DaSilva's site here. If you are still hungry for exceptional art, visit this site and scroll down to see U-Ram Choe's mechanical sculptures that look like futuristic biological organisms. I could get lost in these works of art... and want to head straight to Liverpool for the exhibition! Last on my list of art links is a website that offers a list of 50 beautiful movie posters. As a graphic designer, I have a built in love of posters... but I think a few of these would knock the socks off any person walking by and taking in their powerful graphic goodness. This link also provided a list link for album covers, music videos and book covers. Best cancel all your meetings today and dive in feet first. Fun, fun, fun. With Halloween around the corner, I have two links that

should bring a smile to your face. First, a list of top ten worst candies handed out on the big night. My Mom is a Dental Hygienist, and I seem to remember her trying the raisins one year... I think the next year we were bombed with eggs and Indian corn in retaliation! Also, watch this video for Mark Gervais' take on a window display that will dazzle the neighbors. Most impressive! For the most amazing face painting I have ever seen, visit Michigan artist James Kuhn's flickr photos. First page is not his best stuff, keep looking until you've seen the puppets face and down on the farm couple. Kuhn has channeled his drag queen/nudist/christian energies to great effect!! Well, that is a good little pile of sweet treats for now. Hope this gives you something to think about and enjoy in the face of our tanking economy and seemingly endless bad news. I encourage you to take a break today and send me a few favorite links of your own... :-)

I've been (cyber) Shot!

2008-10-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

Say cheese! If you are anywhere near me for the foreseeable future, you WILL be getting your picture taken - because I have a very fun new toy! For our anniversary (15 years!) Ant has generously given me a Sony Silver Cybershot camera (and a magnetic white leather case)! Note: someone needs to save the economy by buying consumer goods... so we, as good citizens, are trying our best). It has so many desirable features, you may want to read about it in detail here. I love that it is ultra slim and small BUT the LCD touch screen is 3.5 inches (big enough for my bifocal eyes). It has 10.1 megapixels (which Julie assures me is a good thing) and a Carl Zeiss lens (which Lisa seemed impressed to see). Best of all, it plays space age music when you slide the front door up and down which gives you that, "You're part of the now generation" kind of feeling! (Ant, don't laugh! I AM a modern woman, just a late adopter!)

I keep it in my purse so I can catch those "Kodak moments" I'll look back on and wish I was still experiencing! Plus, now that I am a blogger, I need more material for my posts, including great photos with no copy-write restrictions! Ant showed me the smile feature, which if turned on, will automatically snap the shot as soon as it recognizes the subject smiling! We tried it on my brother when he was here last weekend, and it really works! There is an anti-blur feature, which, given my wobbly arms, is a must have. Also, the camera will take a sequence of shots in close succession if you are hoping to catch a special "moment" like when the ball goes in the net for a sports victory... sweeeet.

I rarely get excited by technology... but this is a pretty great little camera. Look out world, Christy wants to take your photo and she's not taking no for an answer.

PS If you are at all interested in the old custom of giving a certain kind of gift linked to the year the couple is celebrating, visit this link. I learned we should have exchanged crystal (traditional) or watches (modern) for our 15th... and that one can receive a greeting from the President of the United States on or after the 50th. Isn't Wikipedia great?

Visiting the Land of Pink

2008-10-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

These are my two little nieces, Stephanie on the left, who is seven, and Jessica on the right, who is five. I think back in the late 90's the Gods heard me complaining (often and loudly) that I didn't get any girls of my own, because low and behold, I have been blessed with lovely "surrogates" who visit us from Venice, LA, and escort me to the land of pink.

There are so many cool and different things about being with two girls, as opposed to two boys. The first thing I noticed was how mannerly and calm they were. A complete absence of testosterone, I guess. Also, they are excited by all things found in the girly pink aisles of Target. We drew pictures together, created bead art, hiked, shopped, watched movies, chose outfits to wear, went swimming, brushed and styled hair, played with dolls and stuffed animals, sang, skipped, discussed princesses, and laughed the weekend away. The highlight of the pool swim was a hair color changing Barbie that swims with her pet dolphins. She comes "complete" with scuba gear and a hot bikini that is red in the cold water and yellow in the hot water (high tech meets female icon of the decades)! The last time I took my two boys to Julie's house for a swim, I seem to remember them playing king of the floating lounge chair which ended up with a hole in it. Erg. With the girls, not once did I have to break up a wrestling fight, tell them to chew with their mouths closed, beg them to play nicely, or ask them to lower the toilet lid. Aaah. Girly bliss! I am told things get scary with girls when they reach the teens while boys are easier the older they become. I wonder if this will prove to be true...

When they first arrived, Stephanie informed me she was no longer playing with Barbies. Dolls, in general, are now of little interest (she is 7 after all, and does not need help with much these days). She prefers texting Jack using her "DS"! Jessica, on the other hand, seems to like anything that requires action. She is a take charge girl who finds the fun in most everything. Easy enough when you live in San Diego. At the end of our visit, I said to Jessica, "Thank you so much for being such a good girl and waiting patiently at the store when I had to get some things for myself." She replied sweetly, "Auntie Christy, why would I do that to

some one I like?" My two nieces are the best. Thanks Elke and Phil, for sharing them with us.

Goodbye matching coats

2008-10-04T14:02:00.001-07:00

This is a photo of Jack and Declan on holiday in London, wearing matching coats (well, almost matching. Same style, one is green, one is orange). I am quite certain this is a special photo, as the days of wearing anything matching are well behind the boys now. While I know I have extended boyhood as long as possible (especially for Declan) I want to say goodbye to a few things I (and maybe they) will miss.

Goodbye to matching outfits. Goodbye to sippy cups. See you later Legoland, backyard kiddie pools and sand boxes. So long matchboxes and big trucks, coloring books and goldfish. Till we meet again bibs, light up sneakers, and SpongeBob. Later date to super hero cartoons, sword fights and water pistols. Bye to wrestling matches, the trampoline, forts and erupting volcanoes. Don't need you water wings, training wheels, picture books and liquid medicines. So long to nerf, playschool, disney and mattel. Time to move on. Time for the teens.

Stack O' Links 7

2008-09-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

I have fifteen minutes to spare this morning. Then I am off to an exciting day filled with "domestic challenges" I wish my Mom still did for me. In any case, I do have time to share some fun links you may want to visit. First on my list is a link to exhibits at the Smithsonian Natural History Museum. They have created a new installment featuring the oceans, and it looks very cool. Tam plans to take her little girl there when she is old enough to appreciate it... which sounds like a good thing. BTW: that globe is created by projecting a video from the inside of the sphere. Wow. A must see next time we visit Philly! Speaking of cool, I happened upon this video from "UpDharmaDown" which was directed and animated by Acid House. Graphics gone wild... check it out! Next link... I am so glad to have sent this one to Ant. It is a list of ten unusual and weird Asian hotels. When he viewed the list, he promised we could go to the love hotels around the globe when we are "empty nesters". That man is SO romantic. Either he knows what makes me melt, or he is very worried about the fallout when the boys leave home. Come to think of it, I suppose both are true. :-) My favorites on the hotel list also include the Three Camel Lodge in Mongolia. Very snuggly and tent like. For a laugh, visit this site to see vintage cigarette ads from the 50's. Not sure which I like best, the smoking Santa or Ronald Reagan with his holiday Chesterfields! So inappropriate, which is just the way I like it! I can remember as a small girl thinking smoking was glamorous. How times have changed in so many ways... For an award winning look at internet safety presented in a simple way for kids and noobs to enjoy, visit this site. It brings home the point, "Online, things are not always as they appear!" I'll say. Declan had the unfortunate experience of sharing his online game password with a new "friend". Badness ensued... Wish we had shown him this two years ago. Oh well. Need a "nature is beautiful" fix? I have two sites to dazzle your eyes! This is a site showing fantastic shots of bird feathers, and this posting shows amazing images of mold that seem like they are from another planet. Even if I am having a crappy day, these kinds of finds always cheer me. Don't discount the mold images because you are allergic. They are lovely! My last links provide news. These are troubled times, and keeping abreast of the current state of the world isn't a half bad idea. Try Alltop News to see a hub of headlines from top magazines and newspapers (you can customize the content to match your preferences, which is always nice) and Slate which is a daily online magazine with general interest articles that comment on politics, news and culture. Slate is owned by the Washington Post, and features NPR segments and writers. Whew, two minutes left to choose a few images to get you even more interested... Enjoy!

An Old Friend

2008-09-25T11:33:00.001-07:00

I am working on my new personal website this week. Part of my process for any design project is having a rummage through books and magazines to help me think new thoughts. I make piles and piles of choice words and images that say something about the message I am trying to communicate. I guess it's a bit like a painter getting their tubes of oils ready for the white canvas...

Inevitably, I come across something that takes me down an unexpected alley. This is the part I like the best about design (but is usually not covered by a client's fees). As I am both the client and the designer on this one, I indulged in a rich and satisfying trip down memory lane upon finding a book - - - back to graduate school when I was studying graphics at North Carolina State University...

I first discovered Neville Brody at the design library. His book, "the Graphic Language of Neville Brody" by Jon Wozencroft, was a must have book I really couldn't afford, but bought anyway. I remember loving every graphic page and being so excited by the colors, layout and typography. It was one of the first books to show me the transition from analogue to digital design in a thoroughly exhilarating way. When I saw his work for "The Face" and "Arena" magazines I was hooked on the power of editorial design. He was one of the founding members of FontWorks in London, and has designed some of my favorite decorative fonts. He also began the FUSE project, which brings together magazine, type, and graphics in new and interesting ways. Can you tell I just love this man's work?

Ant and I have a top 10 for just about everything. We always say, "this is in my top 10" to mean it doesn't really get much better than this. Nearly 18 years after first seeing Brody's work, I still get excited looking at his designs, and remember how he was one of the reasons I became a graphic designer. Thanks Neville. Wherever you are.

Girl Fight

2008-09-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

My day yesterday sucked on a level rarely experienced my me or those I know. I spent the day with sweaty palms, nervous stomach, a pounding headache, and a crease between my brows that would have the Botox doctors loading their syringes. My stress levels were so high, I developed a welt on my forehead the size of a quarter! Seriously!

I can't recount the tale in its entirety to protect the innocent. However, I can say I got stuck in a giant traffic jam, delivered Declan late to school, broke a favorite glass which cut my foot, ran out of gas, had an extremely uncomfortable conversation over the phone, dried my son's tears, lost my glasses, and got my period (surprise!).

Are you allowed to swear on this blog? Will they flag it for naughty content? Consider this the place where I would insert the "F***" word (all caps) liberally to describe the day I had yesterday (Especially people from the East Coast love to swear. I am one of them). But now it is Tuesday, and so far, the forces of evil have left me alone. My coffee is hot and strong, the boys are calm and ready for school, and I am planning a very long walk in a very beautiful place to leave my troubles behind... And if they return?

I'm going to fight dirty this time -- because there's no way I'm reliving the kind of day I had yesterday.

Stack O' Links 6

2008-09-20T06:57:00.000-07:00

So many links... so little time. This week has been a treasure chest full of tasty treats when it comes to great links. First, take a look at this adorable trailer that houses a snow cone business on the go. The designer and her tasty treats are just too cute. I really want that '57 Shasta Trailer in the worst way... I came across this blog, called "Abstract the Day" when I was in a quiet mood. The author uses a polaroid camera to take images of her experiences, but only through "abstractions". Love the concept, love the quiet, love this blog. Finished being artsy? Take the "match-o-matic" Presidential quiz from ABC news. You'll see two quotes and must vote on which matches your idea of how things should be done. At the end, one of the candidates flies off the teeter totter and you have your man! You also get to see who you voted for on each issue. Such fun! Why is this year's election so important? You might want to take a look at this interactive graphic driving home the severity of financial losses in our banking industry. My deepest sympathies to all of us. It's going to be a rocky ride for the next few years. I know I felt downright gloomy after visiting the losses post, so I headed to Scienceray for some stunning nature photography. I almost missed this link, because I thought photos of leaves might be dull. Boy, was I wrong. Leaves, wonderful leaves. Take a look. Still want to see more cheerful images? Go to see these super cute stuffed animals with a twist. Donna Wilson's website home page is fun and wiggly, and the creatures section is sure to make you smile. I want Stick the Snail and Rill and Ralf. Guess I really never quite grew out of the stuffed animal thing. Too bad the creatures live in the UK, and are a bit pricey. Alas, quality costs. Last on my list of things to share is a lovely obituary remembering David Foster Wallace. It includes his now famous 2005 commencement address at Kenyon College. I'm glad I read it and will share it with our boys... because I want us all to know "what water is". For more on Wallace, with background info and video, visit Slate here. This article includes this quote, "Wallace's achievement was to make thinking about the facts of Postmodern life, and thinking about thinking about them, one of the keenest pleasures of being alive."

PS Today my typing skills have hit rock bottom. Not a line was created without multiple mistakes. This post was a labor of love, indeed. Your comments and praise are always deeply appreciated :-)

The Real Thing

2008-09-16T19:42:00.001-07:00

Went bike riding today in the canyon near our house. On my own, no audio, no helmet, no padded bike shorts or specialized jersey, no phone, no food. Just me, on a bike, headed west into the sun. I found a comfortable rhythm and felt a wonderful sense of freedom while breathing in the cool air, and seeing only dirt and trees around me. There was an "aliveness" to the moment, and it felt good.

I thought to myself, "Why is this so much better than working out in a gym?" Then the answer, when it came to me, was so obvious, I laughed out loud. Most of my friends complain that midlife feels like an endless, monotonous repetition of chores, where you work and work but don't really get anywhere... just like the treadmill!

There are plenty of other examples of poor substitutes for the real thing. Here are my top 10... what would be

yours?

1. Stop eating frozen food. It never ever tastes as good as fresh food, and sometimes, it's too awful for anyone, even the dog.

2. Grind coffee beans and make real coffee with real milk. Always worth the effort. Mmmmmm.

3. Iron the clothes that need it. Wash and go doesn't always cut it, believe me.

4. Toast bread in a toaster. Not in a toaster oven or under a broiler. And don't be stingy with the butter.

5. Exercise outdoors. Better air. Way cleaner. Less peer pressure. Way more fun.

6. Take your own family photos and skip the professional posed portraits. You'll get more natural and meaningful shots if someone the subject knows and likes captures the moment.

7. Go to live performances whenever possible. I know it is more costly, but the energy coming from the stage can't be matched on a CD or DVD. Plus, it actually lifts your spirits. Try it, you'll see.

8. Pay the professionals for the shit jobs you don't want to do. These may include cleaners, gardeners, mechanics, plumbers... you get the idea. Your free time is worth more than you think. Not to mention the cost of all that frustration!

9. Invest in quality tools. Cheap tools break or hurt you. My favorite purchase when I became a qualified adult was an excellent pair of scissors. Still have them, and they work beautifully.

10. Visit the people you love and spend time with them. Sure, blogs, emails and phone calls are a fair stand in when you can't get the time off, but face to face is what you'll remember.

Water Polo is a tough sport

2008-09-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

This year our family entered the competitive world of High School Sports. Declan as a water polo player, Jack as his trusty younger brother and home support (will play any video game to distract brother from sore muscles and stinging eyes), Ant as the Dad who drops in on weekend games and provides rides to practice, and me, a new demographic not yet mentioned in the media...a "Polo Mom". Note: "(name of sport) - Mom" is a curious way of referring to a person with the job of being a mother. I, of course, consider myself to be more of a Curious Mom or Thinking Mom or Walking Mom... but I digress. I've got to tell you, there is a reason we have avoided serious sports for so long. Just open the newspaper or hop online and you read deeply scary stories of kids, parents and coaches acting very badly all in the name of winning. Sadly for us, we experienced this after just two weeks of summer training. There were a few older boys who just couldn't resist hurting Declan in every way they could think of... We were all devastated.

This opened up a broader consideration for me. Is the participation in a sport a "net gain" for your child? Well, I suppose that all depends. They learn teamwork, how to push themselves beyond comfort, what a fit body feels like. They get a team membership, school pride, and matching outfits. They get to apply their aggression and energy to something other then themselves and siblings. And if they are really lucky, they can learn about character, humility and honor from a coach. But they also get hurt, disappointed, and worse still, sometimes bullied. Huge amounts of time and resources have to be applied to the effort, which effects the whole family. Also, academics and music get pushed to the side for shared attention and priority... I just am not sure it is all worth it, really. I guess more on this as we experience it.

I would, however, like to share through bitter experience some tips if your child is in the unfortunate position of getting harassed by other kids (on or off the field).

Tell. Tell teachers, coaches, parents, and any adult who is in their world that can offer help. Most players say telling makes it worse, especially if the bully finds out. Not true. Can't emphasize enough that "outing" a bully

is the first step to defeating him or her. Finding a big, strong advocate that will help defend your child is probably the best thing you can do.

Document. Put everything in writing when reporting what is going on. Request meetings for person to person discussions, include authorities, date materials, and request responses. They will take you seriously if you behave with seriousness. There should be a moral code of conduct in place. If not, request they create one. It gets everyone on the same page with shared expectations and consequences.

Be there. Go to games, practices, volunteer days. Show that your child is supported and that people will take action if bad things happen. Watch what is going on and talk with the staff often. Network with other parents so you know early on who's who and what's what!

Remember. Extra curricular activities are supposed to be fun! Playing games (if you aren't getting paid) should be enjoyable. When it stops being something you look forward to, maybe you need to reconsider why you are doing it.

Get out. If the scene does not change after reporting the bullying, get your child out of the program. It is not quitting, it is being pushed out because violence is tolerated (Ant thought of this. Made me feel much better about getting out if it comes to that). If this is the case, you don't want your child in the program anyway. (Thanks to Chris Quinn for this excellent advice). One in six students are bullied every week. These kids are three times more likely to develop depression and consider suicide. This is no joke.

Try looking at this Aussie website and this UK website if you want to learn more on the subject. Let me know what you think about kids and sports by posting a comment to this blog...

Stack O' Links 5

2008-09-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. Have been in a funk this last week, and didn't feel like blogging... but why should my friends suffer? Couldn't manage a personal story, but can always share a stack of links! This first one is a link to beautiful photos of dew drops. Jaw dropping clarity and well worth the look. As Longfellow said, "Every dew-drop and rain-drop had a whole heaven within it." If these aren't enough to impress, take a look at these photos of underground lakes and rivers. I just might overcome my claustrophobia and go spelunking for these views. More nature still? Look at these insect images where more than just the birds and bees are "doing it". Ok. A bit weird and kinky, but you have to admit, the photos are amazing. Enough of all these nature shots? Take a look at this hilarious website dedicated to people who wear sandals with socks. Resist trying this at home (or in public)... but enjoy laughing at all the Brits caught in the ultimate bad taste accessory! Ant recently discovered "Sidetaker", which is a website that allows you to let the world decide who's at fault in a disagreement. Air your fight details in a very public arena and find out once and for all who should apologize! Ever wonder what those rappers are actually saying when they are in full rapster mode? I know I have! Take a look at this video to enjoy a very white man translating a video "rap-off" between two city boys. Pretty funny. I guess now I know. My favorite part is when they joust over who comes from a worse neighborhood. Have trouble remembering names? Visit this blog and enjoy a 1958 booklet outlining how to remember everyones name. Also, the blog owner seems to have many other vintage treasures he is "learning to share: cuz all that neat stuff is no fun to keep to himself." Found this quiz to guess your knowledge of quarter backs on one of my favorite sites, mental floss. Top score so far is a 16 from a friend in California. Can you beat it? Last but not least, here are some lovely sculpted felt hats for ladies. I love the handmade pieces that I really can't afford, and wish there were more personal expression in outfits. Here in San Diego, our clothes are much like our houses. Same old same old. Head out in a hat like this, you'll turn heads!

Stack O' Links 4

2008-09-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

Time for a few links to round out the week... Tam (pictured in a yearbook pose) sent me this link to "yearbook yourself" (and friends). She's been having a blast on her blog, slapping face photos of her best buds in the most horrible of haircuts. Great fun. Suggest you take the time for a laugh! Want to see some amazing bridges from around the world? Some of these shots are jaw droppers (really). I sent these to friends and got a few "wows" back. Speaking of wow, here are some of the most beautiful sculptures I've seen. They are intricate rainforest sculptures from deep within the lush Australian rainforest, sculpted by aboriginal artists. Way cool. I was browsing card shops on line, and found these cute but mean cards for the occasions when you don't feel like being nice, but rather, to the point. I wish we lived in a place where passing these to someone obnoxious really worked! I also found this link to read about one of my favorite subjects, Japanese gift wrapping. Ant has promised one day we will go to Japan and do nothing but drink tea and look in stationary stores (This is the most romantic thing he's ever said. Trust me. I am really into paper.) My last link is a shopping suggestion. I read about online glasses through Slate's technology post "How to get... a thrilling deal on glasses" and got all excited at the prospect of spending $50 for a pair of really cool glasses. I must confess, I can avoid/resist many expensive personal adornments (Ant, no comment), but have a long standing weakness for glasses. I am going to try getting a pair online, and think you should too!

Christy's collage

2008-09-03T09:57:00.001-07:00

Dear Readers,

Last entry, I glibly encouraged you to have a think about "who you are" and try making a collage that represents you. Let me tell you, this is NOT easy! However, having been promoted by a friend to get all her friends to visit my site, I felt the pressure to post my own little collage... sooner, rather than the much preferred later. I arbitrarily created rules for this task, including -- all 8-10 images had to come from "google images", and I would give myself no more than 30 minutes to complete the project (these little rules keep things moving and provide an excuse if the material is less than awe inspiring.) So, here is the result.

As with Jack's collage, I suppose there should be a poster caption. I get all wiggly when forced to describe myself, but in the name of personal feng shui, will soldier on. I'll do anything to bring on the bliss. Even this.

Here ya go: Christy -- typographer, designer, boater, lover, loyal, friend, picky, cuddly, curious, walker, mixer, safety, sturdy, sniffer, procrastinator, analyzer, stacker, colorful, open, pink.

Bliss interpretation via "smart personal life coach" (This would be me. Have read so many self help books I am a self appointed PLC) -- More design for the fun of it, more holidays spent walking in the woods and boating on a lake, cherish friends and family and spend time having a laugh, organize your messes so you can do more stacking, flowers every week to brighten the space and reflect inner bloom, wear colorful clothes to radiate "pinkness", rely on inner sturdiness and feel safe because you are (ie. kick some ass when need be because middle aged broads get away with it), sniff out rottenness before it festers (goes well beyond the leftover crisis going on in our fridge), cruise to Alaska to see some polar bears, as they are your favorite animal of all time (Are you getting all of this, Ant?), read more great books.

Wow. Maybe this really is worth the effort. Feeling better already... Would be super impressed if you made a collage and shared it with me (and this blog). Come on. Just 30 minutes.

Who are you?

2008-08-28T07:22:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking about feng shui lately. Not the kind that uses charts and fake experts to rearrange your furniture. More the concept of arranging your life to bring balance and peace (and, dare I say it... happiness!). I think it must be a symptom of middle age, but all around me it seems like my friends and family are imploding (is it the economy? no it's more than that.). Satisfaction is at an all time low. There is the usual list of things they do to try to make it better (affair, back to school, make over, work out, yoga, new job, new kitchen, a pool, anti-depressants, second house, divorce, pet, separate vacations, blogging!) and sometimes these even help for a little while. But that little voice keeps calling from the corners of the conscience, saying, "yea, but, is this really all there is?".

My guess is any effort to "feng shui" your life must involve knowing who you are right now and what would bring you bliss. A tall task for most of us -- and maybe a big part of the problem.

Coincidently, yesterday Jack was given an assignment to create a picture collage of 6-8 objects that represent "him" (or who he is right now). You couldn't include photos of yourself or anyone you know. It had to be somewhat metaphorical. Not an easy bit of homework for a lad who avoids self reflection, only looks in the mirror when told he has a milk mustache, and hates getting his photo taken. He begged me to complete the assignment for him, "Mom, you know me. You pick the things that stand for me." I said, "Jack, this is like a diary. I can't write your diary. Only you can." He replied, "Who even writes in a diary? Mom, pleeeeease? I'm begging you. This is one of those projects that is going to take me ages unless you help." I responded, "OK, I'll help. Let's play a game. Are you chocolate or vanilla?" He said "vanilla". Great, I thought. This is working. A photo of vanilla something will work. One down. Next I said, "Are you indoor or out?" He said, "What does that mean? That's a weird question." Hmmm. New approach. "What do you like to play?" I said. He replied, "Mom, I am not my toys, they are just stuff I play with." Oh my. Self reflection is not easy, despite what the books say! We jousted back and forth until he created a list of objects that could work, and the resulting collage is undeniably "Jack" and not anyone else in the family. He was hugely relieved that his homework was finished, and I was energized by the activity as part of my feng shui quest.

Can a 6th grade project created to facilitate the "get to know your classmate" transition really be that worthwhile? I think so. Instead of letting a magazine or person tell you who you are (or should be) maybe it's time to sit down and honestly make a collage of who you are because you say so. I'm going to make mine, and post it next time. Maybe you should try it too! It just might help you bring on the bliss...

Poster caption (because images don't always say what you think they say). Jack -- explorer, gamer, thrill seeker, investigator, information gatherer, curious, tender, charmer, sweet...

Post Earthquake Panda Rescue Pics

2008-08-21T12:45:00.000-07:00